I am in a bind financially until the end of this month. I had an unexpected car expense of nearly $600 that had to be taken care of, which destroyed my monthly budget. While this is unpleasant and uncomfortable, it does make me focus on what I have rather than what I lack. In fact, I have to be thankful that I could take care of the expense at the time.

I can also be thankful that I recognize my budget needs to be adjusted in the future for the next unexpected expense. While I make plans for the future, I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads and enough food to make it until next payday.

I am thankful that this is the first time I’m facing a situation like this. I’m thankful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I take solace from the lesson learned after reading “Down and Out in Paris and London” by George Orwell many years ago. Once you hit bottom, you realize that you are still alive.

I’m thankful for the desire to write and express myself, and I’m thankful for those who read my words. I’m thankful if my words help someone else, and I hope they pay that help forward to someone else who can then be thankful.

Dreamer���s World March 25, 2018 ��� Our Scars Are The Badges Of Our Experiences

    One of the benefits of growing older is the ability to look back at our lives and wonder how in the hell we got to where we are today? Life is full of mistakes and errors in judgement, no one is immune to these things, and yet we still have to keep moving forward with our lives. A wrong choice doesn’t condemn us unless we let it. It is how we respond to those errors that ultimately defines us. Our scars are the badges of our experiences.
    We have no control over other factors that determine who we are. Something as simple as being in the wrong place at the wrong time can have a profound impact on us. I think of the Parkland students when I say this. Those kids were where they were supposed to be, doing what they were supposed to be doing when tragedy rocked their lives. What kind of world are we living in when kids go to school and don’t come home again because they were murdered at their school? Sadly some of those students will never have the opportunity to look back on their lives and wonder about the things that shaped them. What I have seen from the survivors is strength and courage, and a refusal to let what happened to them destroy their lives. It gives me hope for their future as well as for those whom they influence.
    My background is nowhere near that dramatic. My mistakes and bad choices are not out of the ordinary, and they are numerous. I still have some scars that are sensitive and not properly healed. I don’t know if they will ever completely heal, but they make me who I am today. Trust and closeness are the two main scars I still have that are very tender and sensitive.
    I have made some terrible choices in the past regarding friends. I would have been so much better off without those people in my life at all. I find myself wishing that I could go back in time to warn myself about the mistakes I was about to make, but everyone feels that way about something in their past. The results of those bad choices still linger and affect me to this day.
    Even though my present response to a similar situation or person has changed from what it would have been before, that is part of the healing that I mentioned. The fight or flight response is something primal in all of us. When I was younger, I was much more trusting, today I am not quite the complete opposite, but it is very close to a 180 degree turn.
    I grew up learning to be self-reliant from my parents. That has been a tremendous help as I have grown older. I never depend on other people for too much, except Hal. Hal knows the demons I have struggled with, and continue to. Time has made us into one, and that bond in unbreakable now. However, I find that I am not willing to stretch out for other people as I used to. My life has reached a level of calm that I struggled to attain. I don’t want to fuck that up for any reason.
    My scars are the badges of my experience. They define me and make me who I am. It is foolish to try to undo this because I am who I am and that is just fine with me.

Dreamer’s World April 15 2016 – Identity



I decided to try a new profile picture for the post today. I still love having my calendar included to provide myself with a sense of time, and the Lucy and Charlie Brown item adds a touch of unreality as well. The Bose SoundTouch 20 adds music for my mood. The song that happened to be playing was “Message In A Bottle” by The Police, which remains one of my favorite songs of all time. I suppose that I needed a change to things around here as the week rolls to a conclusion.


I finally feel like I am in a good place to write again. My Evernote is filled with abandoned blog posts from this week. There are so many times that I start to write something only to realize that I shouldn’t be posting it after all. I sometimes re-read these aborted posts to get a sense of perspective on things, and I find that really helps me in my day-to-day life.


It often escapes us, in our busy lives, just exactly who we really are. Myself, I am a very intense person with a strong sense of purpose, but in a very Zen type of way. By nature I am a Type B personality and I can easily manage myself when left to my own devices. I find that deadlines and the encroaching problems of other people cause me to tune out subconsciously. This gives others the impression that I am aloof and uncaring. Nothing could be further from the truth as far as my friends are concerned, but it a stark truth to those who approach me in the wrong way.


I am an interesting mixture of introvert and extrovert. I usually take my time to formulate a response before I speak in order to say what it is that I really want to say. Once words have left our lips, or appeared on these pages, they can never be withdrawn.


I seldom interact with people that I have difficulties with because experience has taught me that these people seem to only thrive on chaos that they can cause in those around them. My life and my time are far too valuable to waste on these people. When I was younger and more naive, I wanted to think that I could single-handedly change the world and everyone in it. Now I realize that is impossible, and a waste of time and effort.


I welcome a wide variety of people into my life but they remain a part of my life only provided that they behave properly. I believe that each of us has the responsibility to maintain order and happiness within our own lives, and to NOT attempt to be a cause of turmoil to others. This has resulted in my discarding some old friends but those have been replaced with new ones that I would not trade the world for.


I know that life is transitory. We never stand still, but it is up to us about which direction we move. People are a part of our lives at all times, but we are the ones who determine how long they remain because we are each on our own journeys and paths often diverge.


I love cats. They are the animals that I can most easily identify with due to their independent natures. Cats choose people with whom they wish to associate, and so do I. Cats show affection to those they care about, and this is much different than simply showing interest in those they have to tolerate.


I love music more than TV. Music is timeless and not trying to get me interested in something to buy. I seldom watch TV unless there are sports or cartoons on. The news is a complete and utter wasteland to me because I get my information from online sources. Basically all of TV is trash and info-porn that I have zero use for.


I prefer a small group of friends to a mass of acquaintances. There are no benefits to me of being a part of a large group of people because I tend to focus my attention on the person/s I am with at any given time.


I hate people who cannot communicate without giving the appearance that I am something that isn’t that important to them. Being out with a friend who constantly checks their phone means that is the last time I will waste my time with them. I purposefully will silence or turn off my phone when I am spending time with another person.


I am introspective. I can lose myself in my own mind very easily when I am bored, and the boredom goes away quickly. I can be extremely quiet at times, and this puts some people off.


I served in the US Navy. I appreciate and respect those who serve and have served, but I know that there is nothing tremendously unusual about the experience. It is simply a system in which some people have worked. My prior service does not govern my life now any more than my experiences in the 3rd grade. There were some impacts, but I frame myself in much larger terms.


I am unique, I am special. However, in the grand scheme of things this is meaningless. Rather, I am as important as I choose to be. That is true for all of us.