Relationships

Friends

“A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.”

• Arnold H. Glasow

A true friend is hard to find, and more valuable than all the gold in the world. A true friend will be the one you can count on, and someone that can count on you, because true friendship is a two-way relationship.

Dreams of lost friends

Old Memories

June is Pride month. For all the good things in my life, I had a dream about an old friend who, to the best of my knowledge, stopped communication when I came out to him and his wife.

He stayed in the Navy after I left at the end of my enlistment. After I came out to him, he said all the right things about friendship and not letting my confession change things.

About a year afterward, he and his wife welcomed their first child, a son, into the world. Hal and I bought the baby a present, a hanging mobile for his crib. We drive to my friend’s house to give them the gift. Their cars were there, but they didn’t answer the door. We figured that the new parents were exhausted, so we left the present on their doorstep.

So far, nothing to indicate a problem. However, over the next few weeks, every attempt to contact my friend and his wife met with silence. Voicemails went unanswered until I gave up. The feeling of rejection really hurt.

Without any contact from my friend, Hal and I were left to figure out what happened on our own. We settled on two possible scenarios.

The first scenario was that my friend was working on getting his commission as an officer (I found out he got it through sources years later), so he decided that having a gay couple as friends would negatively impact his career.

The second scenario is the one that really hurts to think about. That is when their son was born that they suddenly became concerned that somehow Hal or I was a threat to their son. Nothing could be further from the truth, but I can’t control what people choose to believe.

In the long run, none of this matters. I hope he and his family are all doing well. I would rather be forgotten than be remembered as a career impediment or a threat to his family. After 20 years, it is time to stop referring to him as my friend.

Hal and I are still together and better than ever. I hope I never dream about that part of my past again. It isn’t worth it.

I’m proud of who I am. I don’t need to spend time worrying about those who don’t care about me.

Flashbacks

Flashbacks

Saturday was a cold, damp, and all-around miserable day here. We didn’t leave the apartment at all. My sinuses were killing me with congestion and either sneezing or blowing out great gobs of crap when I blew my nose. Things got to the point where I used oxygen for the first time in weeks, other than sleeping. It helps keep my nasal passages open so I can breathe.

I was sitting in my chair, inhaling oxygen, and I remembered not that long ago when just doing this simple task exhausted me. I’ve come a long way, but I know I’m still fragile.

For some reason, I’ve had flashbacks over the last few days about my time in the hospital. I hope this isn’t a precursor of things to come. I’m monitoring my health as best I can, and I’ve been concerned over the last few days that something isn’t quite right. I’m examining my legs and feet daily, and I asked Hal to do so as well. I’m afraid that my kidney function might be decreasing again. I have an appointment with the urologist later in June, but if things go wrong, I’ll try to get there as soon as possible.

Something like this doesn’t scare me anymore. I’ve been through too much to let stress kill me now. When Hal came into the living room, the first words out of his mouth were, “Why are you on Oxygen?” followed by “Why didn’t you say something?” I’m lucky to be with Hal. These 21 years are the best in my life, and I want a lot more years with Hal.

New Year’s Eve

My main goal for today is straightforward. Do NOT bend over for any reason at all today. I bent over yesterday morning to empty the clothes hamper, and I regretted it for the rest of the day with bouts of vertigo that kept wiping me out.

I don’t want or need to feel like that today. We have a trip to the grocery store to do curbside pick up and a few errands that we need to take care of today. We don’t want to be out anytime after dark because there will always be idiots out drinking and driving. After all, it is New Year’s Eve.

We have no plans for tonight other than to be here with each other, and that is more than enough to make us happy.

Recovery

Wednesday 30 DEC 20

Today I will be pushing for 2500 steps as I continue to work myself back into better physical shape. Today marks the two-week anniversary of coming home from the hospital.

I was so damn weak when I got home. The only thing that I could do was to wrap myself in blankets and sit in the chair in the living room. I could barely stand up without almost falling over. It was impossible to do anything without Hal’s help. I was utterly dependent upon him for everything.

Eventually, I felt my strength begin to return, and my appetite slowly emerged. I had lost more than 20 pounds in the hospital, and that had weakened me more than I realized. It was nearly a week before I had the strength to stand in the shower to clean myself properly and feel clean again.

Hal put me on a sensible plan to recover from all of the issues. The project seemed relatively weak at first, but I quickly found out that I was in worse shape than I thought. The modest goals were achievable without exhausting myself. Getting too tired every day would just have discouraged me and slowed my progress, if not dropped altogether.

I wasn’t even allowed outside the apartment until the end of the first week. Even then, I was only allowed to walk to the car and start the engine to make sure it would work. I went to my appointments with Hal via Uber. Hal let me drive to the grocery store and wait for him in the parking lot a few days ago. Now I am allowed to make short trips on my own because I am stronger than I was before.

The real way I can measure my progress is my step count. In two weeks, I am up to 2500 steps per day and feeling great. I will try for 3000 steps as my next goal. Ultimately, I want to reach 10,000 steps per day. I will get there eventually.

I can’t stress emo that none of this would have happened without Hal. He is my soulmate and my partner on this journey through life. In fact, in just one week we will celebrate our 21st anniversary.

I tell Hal every day how much I live him and how lucky I am to have him in my life.

Dreamer���s World March 18, 2018 ��� Decision Time

    My mind has been clouded with distractions for the last few months. This often happens when I recognize that there is a big decision coming up. Often I don’t know what that decision will be until later on, and this is the case today.
    I have become too dependent on social media like FaceBook and Twitter. There, I said it. I have been unconsciously struggling with this for some time, and this morning the reason for my malaise finally dawned on me. I have become part of the problem by simply spending my time online re-posting things rather than actually being creative or unique. The temptation to simply reinforce the echo chamber is very strong, and hard to resist.
    I see a clear difference between FaceBook and Twitter. FaceBook is much more of a product that demands interaction, whether it is real communication with someone or not. Twitter is simply a bulleting board for garbage that begs for a response from anyone.
    I have been thinking about the lack of genuine interaction with the people I supposedly know via social media. It is basically non-existent, to be honest. That comes as no surprise to me, but there are people I know in person from the past who fail to interact online and never in person or via the telephone. The sad truth is that these actions, that we are all guilty of, simply indicates the relative importance that we place on real relationships in the digital age.
    FaceBook helped me to reconnect with some old friends I grew up with. We talked on the phone multiple time, and then things slowly drifted back to the point they were at before we reconnected in the first place. This isn’t a criticism of them as people, it also isn’t an absolution of myself for some type of noble behavior, it is just stating facts.
    Without a real, personal, face-to-face relationship to fall back on, social media doesn’t help to reconnect people for very long. I then proceeded to occupy my online time with reposting items I saw that were of interest to me. In doing so, I fell into the same trap that I would have criticized other for. The struggle I mentioned earlier was coming to terms with this, and understanding that I was doing the same thing.
    I am an optimist and a realist. I am not making some grand declaration that I am abandoning FaceBook forever. I simply need time to refocus on my writing and my own creative side for the time being. I am making the decision to stop checking FaceBook multiple times a day to see what people who I have no real contact with are talking about. I will focus instead on genuine interactions with those people who do choose to communicate is some rudimentary form.
    When I started this blog, it was the most important thing in my digital life. It is time to return to that philosophy and listen to myself for a change. My mind feels more at rest now that I have made the decision, so it must be the right one.

Dreamer’s World February 5 2016 – Friday At Last

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The last two days have been a blur around here. I managed to get Hal (person) off on his trip to Philadelphia yesterday and then I completed my day at work. After that, I was busy cleaning and scrubbing out the shower and doing laundry. Today was a short day because I am going to Happy Hour with the local team members form the company. I only have one meeting that I will take part in before leaving for the event and once that is over with, I am coming home and will be here for the evening. I will make sure that I meet my step goal for today and will probably take care of a good part of that while I am out this afternoon. Part of me wants to stop at Best Buy, but that probably isn’t the smartest idea after having a beer or two. I will walk things off without spending any money, at least that is my plan right now.
    The workday passed without incident. I went to the gathering for Happy Hour and had a good time. We didn’t talk a lot about work, more about what was going on with each of us, and surprisingly about music. Afterwards, I did walk through the mall, but I didn’t pick up anything. I made certain to stay away from Best Buy across the street, just to be safe and then I came home.
    The evening has been very quiet. I made my 15,000 step goal for today before 1900 and settled down and watched a little TV before it bored me and I turned it off after less than 1 hour. The Stooges are all around me in various stages of sleep, and I am sure that I will join them before it gets late tonight.
    I truly enjoy quiet times like this. They are rare and should be cherished. As I mentioned, TV bores me very easily and I am happier without it, even as a background noise it is disruptive as far as I am concerned. I hope that Hal (person) is having a passable time in Philadelphia given the circumstances that required him being there. I am sure that he will call later this evening, and we will talk for a few minutes before he goes to bed.
    Tomorrow is a day without any plans. I am tempted to go out, but I have absolutely no idea where I would go or what I would do. If the weather is nice, I will just take a nice long walk around the neighborhood to pass the time. I will also do more laundry and make sure that the apartment is clean. I am amazed sometimes at how quiet I prefer my life to be. In years past, I would have been out the door just to find something to do. Now I am more content with quiet times and no surprises. I suppose I am getting old after all.
    I remember the days before I met Hal. I would not stay at home unless I was actually sick. I can look back on those days now and realize that I was running away from things to a degree. I truly wasn’t happy, and always being out helped me to mask that. I am very happy now and I don’t feel any need to just be out to be out when I enjoy being here.
    When I met Hal, we went out all the time. I could drink everyone under the table and not feel aftereffects at all. I cut way back on drinking as Hal and I spent more time together. He never said a word, I just knew that I had found the person I was supposed to be with and there was no more need to numb myself from the pain I had gone through. If nothing else proves that we are supposed to be together, then that does all by itself.
    Occasionally, I still think that it would be nice to go out, but then I almost subconsciously remember the reasons I did so in the past. That always convinces me that I make the right choice by playing things safe. I have too much to lose now, I didn’t before.
    The Stooges and I all miss Hal (person) right now. But we also know that he will be back on Sunday evening. That thought makes all of us very happy.

Dreamer’s World January 16 2016 – Rainy Saturdays and Reflections

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As Saturday begins here, it is overcast and actually foggy this morning. Hal (person) is already at work so I have some time to write and reflect. This is a normal part of my weekend, I really am enjoying my blog more and more since I started the Blogging 101 course and I have recently passed the 500 likes mark. I want to take this opportunity to send a THANK YOU to everyone who has visited this blog and found it worthwhile or interesting. Honestly, this is something that I never would have prophesied, but I have to admit that I was so happy when I was notified that I had passed that milestone. It gives me confidence that other people are at least interested in what I have to say. I realize that this blog is not the most inflammatory blog out there. It focuses for the most part on my everyday life and how I make my way through it. I do believe that my writing skills have improved in the process.
     As my birthday continues to approach, I have talked with Hal (person) quite a bit about it. I don’t want any extravagant presents, I am more than comfortable with my life the way it is. I have thought back through the years and I know that the last 16 years with Hal have indeed been the happiest in my life. I told him the other night at dinner that all I want and need is to be together with him, and The Stooges. We are a family and together we can withstand anything and accomplish anything. The days of wanting things just to have things are in the past. I am incredibly lucky and it has taken some reflection to emphasize to myself just how true that statement really is.
     There have been so many people that have been important in my life. Sadly, most of them are either passed on or have moved on and we have lost touch. I was not part of a large family, not part of a close extended family. This means that I have always been more on the self-sufficient side throughout my life. When I met Hal (person), that began to change. the walls were breached and he became a true part of my life. We have both guarded our lives very well and found that so very few are worth letting inside the walls. It sounds rather sad, but I assure you it isn’t. Our intense focus on one another has strengthened our relationship throughout it 16+ years. As year 52 approaches, I can honestly say that I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.
     This blog has given me a real sense of perspective since I began it a few years ago. It began in fits and starts, and it took me a long time to really make the decision to focus on it and commit time to it each day. I learned what to write, and more importantly, what NOT to write as I began to share my life here. I am very respectful of others’ privacy and I demand that mine be respected as well. I believe that this is more easily accomplished by not calling others out online if there are disagreements. Indeed I now just block those who would post thing to my various social media accounts in order to argue or ridicule. The most important aspect of that decision was my choice to never acknowledge them at all. When they are blocked, I never mention who they are or what caused my action. Life is too short to be that worried about other people and argue with them in the nether-sphere.
     Back to the here-and-now, I actually have no plans for today while Hal (person) is at work. I need my rest, and this is the time to get it. After Hal gets home we can make decisions about doing something, but we  seldom make advanced plans anymore and prefer to live more spontaneously when we are together.
     I have been productive this morning while I spend time with The Stooges. I just changed my car and renter’s insurance in order to save about $20 a month and that qualifies as time well spent. The new policies will take effect next month and I am happy with the decision. I know that there is no such thing as loyalty from a company to a customer anymore. I always check the insurance rates once a year, and the fact that Navy Federal recommended this company made it an easy decision to call them and get more information. So, it is now 1030 and I have accomplished that much. The skies have brightened and today is looking like a great day. While the idea of going out is appealing, I know that I also need to get some rest and spend time with The Stooges.
     After several hours of resting, Hal (person) has come home from work and I’m sure he will let me know if there will be any plans for this evening. He stopped at Best Buy and picked up his computer, which has been nothing but a source of exasperation for him. I have been hoping that Hal will eventually make the switch to Apple. It is a matter of personal preference for him, and I respect that. Hal is going to reconnect his computer and try things out after he takes a shower. 
     If we don’t go anywhere later, I will seriously think about ordering dinner for delivery. There is plenty of time to decide on that.
     Kentucky lost to Auburn. Judging from the way the game started, I am not surprised at the outcome. This is a different Kentucky team from a year ago. They will do as well as they will do and no amount of getting upset over things will change that.
     After the game, perhaps to take out some frustration, I physically destroyed some old external hard drives that I found while Hal (person) and I were cleaning up all the clutter in the bedroom/office. The drives were very old, and the connectors no longer were available on my iMac, so it was time for them to go. I am sure that they had already been erased, but I took the old Navy precaution of opening them cup and then destroying the hard drive disks. The pieces have been thrown in the trash compactor for the building so there is nothing for me to worry about.
     Hal (person) is still asleep and might be for a few more hours. I haven’t made up my mind about ordering dinner, I don’t want to spend a lot of money right now. If I decide to wander out, there are a few places that I can go within a block or so. I will make up my mind later about that.
     I am still glad that Hal is home, even if he is still asleep. I don’t mind being quiet, most of the time I am anyway. Hal (cat) makes more noise than I do announcing himself at odd intervals, or as he walks into a room. I love hearing him talk. Stevie Nicks talks a lot less, and Spartacus barely speaks at all. They are all loved, and they know it.
     The evening has been quiet. Hal (person) and I ate pizza and watched movies on the couch together. All of The Stooges visited us and life is good. I hope that everyone has had a great day and will have an even better tomorrow.