I had a weird dream that woke me up. I was in a Navy school-type environment, with a mixture of college dorm life has thrown in; at some points, I was in a school barracks/dorm, and at others, I was in a band at the school.
I didn’t fit in at either place. A real-life former Navy friend was somehow continually making trouble for me, ostracizing me from the group to make himself look better, and it seemed that no matter what my talents were, either on the job or musically. Everyone ignored me because I didn’t conform, and I wasn’t popular.
The last thing I remember from the dream was a band trip to play at some stupid trump rally because everyone else supported him. Details weren’t precise, but the band left me on my own to return to the school after being humiliated publicly. I submitted my resignation and left. I felt so alone in that dream.
A lot of this dream resembles real-life experience as far as the settings go. The ostracism didn’t happen, although I later found out that my former friend would sell his mother if it helped him and his career.
I woke up feeling angry and alone. Immediately, I started writing down everything I could remember in my journal. Then I realized my dream would make an interesting blog post as well.
I find this quote very refreshing as I lay awake in bed. Life is about living, not about finding what you’ll be like at some future point. The journey is the important thing to recognize every day as we build the foundation for tomorrow.
Later today, I start my next round of medical appointments. I’m not overtly worried, but there is still some concern about what is going on.
I feel like I’ve hit the wall with my recovery, and might have fallen back somewhat. Recovery is hard work, and very tiring even with the best intentions. My main ailment, breathing, remains limited due to COPD. I know that I might be at the apex of my recovery on this issue and I can only maintain it for so long.
I suppose that is one reason I’m awake in the middle of the night, wondering what the news about my health will be.
I’ve finished with my first appointment, my primary doctor says I’m doing well, and that’s a relief to me. Tomorrow is the pulmonary doctor and another waiting game.
This morning was a real test of my ability to keep from losing my temper. I had to get a replacement windshield on my car, I was under the impression that everything was all set. When the work was completed, I was told that I owed almost $600. The temptation to just go off on those people was strong, but I thought quickly about how long I have fought my own inner struggle to remain calm.
I immediately put my inner brakes on. I did not raise my voice with the receptionist but she knew that I was upset. I think that the calm exterior frightened her more than if I just started screaming.
I caught her in a lie when she said that she had called and told me that insurance was not going to cover the expense. In a cold and calculating voice, I told her that IF she had ever spoken to me and told me that I was going to be charged nearly $600, I would have canceled the appointment and never shown up. She knew that I caught her lying.
I still feel proud of myself for not losing my cool. I haven’t felt the stress and panic type anxiety that I would in the past. The meditation is working.
I’m starting yoga. Again. I had started practicing about a year ago until I was in the hospital off and on for the last four months of 2020. I was beginning to feel the benefits of yoga, but that ground to a screeching halt.
I have regained as much strength as possible since January, and I feel ready to start my yoga journey again. I’m humble enough to start at the very basic level once again. I will take things slowly, and focus on my technique and doing things right, not just racing through things.
I’m prepared to fail in the first few attempts because my endurance is very low, but I’ll keep after it until I complete the beginner course and then move on to the next course. One of my meditation lessons is all about failing better each time I try something new, because that is how you succeed in the long term.
Last year, I was using the DDPYoga app. For some reason I cannot get it to work this year, so I’m moving to the Glo app. It fills the requirements I need, so I’ll give it a shot. I prefer to start yoga at home by myself before attempting it in a group setting. There is a studio nearby that I can use, but my self-confidence is lacking right now. The last thing I want is to take my out-of-shape self in front of a bunch of other people.
I could certainly use some inspiration from others who are practicing yoga. Tell me your story.
“A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down.”
• Arnold H. Glasow
A true friend is hard to find, and more valuable than all the gold in the world. A true friend will be the one you can count on, and someone that can count on you, because true friendship is a two-way relationship.
One of the hardest things to learn is to be yourself. The world is full of mindless clones who want you to be just like them; that is the easy way to go through life. It is more difficult and more rewarding to take the advice of Allen Ginsberg and follow your inner moonlight without hiding that unique madness that each of us has. The madness makes us unique; it sets us apart from everyone else.
There has never been anyone quite like you. Make the World realize just how special you are.
“With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”
A powerful message that I found this morning. I’m struggling with the purpose of my life, what I can do to make this a better place. Sadly, I veer towards negativity when I look at the world we live in. I feel powerless to change things, and this upsets me.
I need to practice gratitude daily and stop pouring over the news every day. The information generally upsets me, and that causes stress. I need to refocus my life on positive things and turn away from negativity.
Gratitude is a difficult thing to practice when all I do is criticize something that I can not control. My mindset defeats the very concept of gratitude before I even start. I need to contain my anger and eliminate it, or it will consume me after all.
Making a change like this won’t be easy. A wise saying is that nothing worthwhile is ever easy, so that gives me confidence that I’m on the right track.