I’m still working my way gingerly around the news from my kidney doctor that dialysis is in my future. My kidney disease has steadily gotten worse over the last two years, and my kidney function has shown a corresponding decrease over the same time.
Getting older is bad enough, but having my body steadily falling apart just makes things even harder to adjust to and accept. When I can focus my mind, I feel like I’m 25 years younger. However, when I try to get into action, reality sets in rather abruptly.
There’s no set time for me to start dialysis. The decision will be made based on my medical results, and discussions with my doctor.
Mortality is leaning over my shoulder as I write this, chuckling softly to himself because he knows that he wins in the long term. My goal is to live the best life I can until Death finally collects me.
Serendipity l, like her sister Karma, is a real bitch. Just look at the message I get from my desktop calendar as I start my birthday.
Self-doubt is an old friend of mine. Every time I think I’ve seen the last of self-doubt in the rearview mirror of my life, he is right there in front of me again.
You would think that since I’m now 58 years old, I would be comfortable in my skin, but that isn’t the case. I’m constantly finding fault with myself, whether I mean to or not. I have a lot of good things in my life, but I always feel like I missed something along the way.
I can’t explain why I feel like this. People tell me I have one of the healthiest egos people have ever met. I don’t consciously try to be a certain way; I am who I am. Yet, I’m two very different people co-existing in the same body. Is this normal?
I’m not going to find the answers right now. I probably never will. I’ll do my best to enjoy this latest trip around the sun and let things work themselves out as they will.
Every day we are subjected to the control mechanisms that keep the world running. All the hatred, conflicts, and fear exist because we created them in the first place. We allow those toxic circumstances to govern our lives were designed to preserve the status quo.
Humanity can’t move forward while carrying all that baggage. When so many people live in poverty due to preventable diseases, lack of education, and health care, we all share the blame for these things. We have surrendered our humanity generation after generation, all in the pursuit of personal gain. There is nothing wrong with successful people, but we still have a moral obligation to help those around us.
Two things we lack are KINDNESS and COMPASSION. When we highlight simple human kindness and compassion because they are so infrequent, we know we’re in trouble. Don’t attack someone helpless; defend them. Teach
someone; don’t criticize their lack of knowledge. When you see someone hungry, give them something to eat. You get the idea.
. Let’s inject more kindness and compassion into the world for a change.
I read a great article by a blogger I follow about Gratitude and Thankfulness, in which he pointed out that we forget to grateful for ourselves. There is nothing wrong with being thankful for ourselves, indeed it is what makes each of us unique.
My Gratitude journal never mentioned being thankful for just being me, and after reading my friend’s blog post, I saw exactly what he meant. My attention was going outward when some of it should have been focused inward. If we can not see the good in ourselves, then we are truly blind.
I am in a bind financially until the end of this month. I had an unexpected car expense of nearly $600 that had to be taken care of, which destroyed my monthly budget. While this is unpleasant and uncomfortable, it does make me focus on what I have rather than what I lack. In fact, I have to be thankful that I could take care of the expense at the time.
I can also be thankful that I recognize my budget needs to be adjusted in the future for the next unexpected expense. While I make plans for the future, I am thankful that we have a roof over our heads and enough food to make it until next payday.
I am thankful that this is the first time I’m facing a situation like this. I’m thankful that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I take solace from the lesson learned after reading “Down and Out in Paris and London” by George Orwell many years ago. Once you hit bottom, you realize that you are still alive.
I’m thankful for the desire to write and express myself, and I’m thankful for those who read my words. I’m thankful if my words help someone else, and I hope they pay that help forward to someone else who can then be thankful.
To be fair, day 2 is a repeat of day 1. I’ll be doing the introductory program for a week before moving to the next level. There’s no reason for me to push myself so hard that I get discouraged and quit.
The introductory exercises are gentle and formulated to “wake up” muscles that haven’t been used in a long time. Having said that, I feel the stretch that I’ve done the first two days.
I had a weird dream that woke me up. I was in a Navy school-type environment, with a mixture of college dorm life has thrown in; at some points, I was in a school barracks/dorm, and at others, I was in a band at the school.
I didn’t fit in at either place. A real-life former Navy friend was somehow continually making trouble for me, ostracizing me from the group to make himself look better, and it seemed that no matter what my talents were, either on the job or musically. Everyone ignored me because I didn’t conform, and I wasn’t popular.
The last thing I remember from the dream was a band trip to play at some stupid trump rally because everyone else supported him. Details weren’t precise, but the band left me on my own to return to the school after being humiliated publicly. I submitted my resignation and left. I felt so alone in that dream.
A lot of this dream resembles real-life experience as far as the settings go. The ostracism didn’t happen, although I later found out that my former friend would sell his mother if it helped him and his career.
I woke up feeling angry and alone. Immediately, I started writing down everything I could remember in my journal. Then I realized my dream would make an interesting blog post as well.
I find this quote very refreshing as I lay awake in bed. Life is about living, not about finding what you’ll be like at some future point. The journey is the important thing to recognize every day as we build the foundation for tomorrow.
Later today, I start my next round of medical appointments. I’m not overtly worried, but there is still some concern about what is going on.
I feel like I’ve hit the wall with my recovery, and might have fallen back somewhat. Recovery is hard work, and very tiring even with the best intentions. My main ailment, breathing, remains limited due to COPD. I know that I might be at the apex of my recovery on this issue and I can only maintain it for so long.
I suppose that is one reason I’m awake in the middle of the night, wondering what the news about my health will be.
I’ve finished with my first appointment, my primary doctor says I’m doing well, and that’s a relief to me. Tomorrow is the pulmonary doctor and another waiting game.