Dreamer’s World August 17, 2018 – Letting Go

Dreamer’s World August 17, 2018 – Letting Go

    I feel entirely refreshed today. I can now look back at the week just finished, and know that many things were weighing on my mind that I wasn’t consciously aware. I was juggling so many things at one time and not feeling at ease with any of them, and I was just not centered and comfortable with life.
    One of our friends continues his struggle with his wife’s cancer. The battle has been going on for nearly two years with no end in sight. She is getting weaker each day, but she continues to hang on. This crisis has affected our friend, and we are worried about his health. We saw him early last week, and he looks terrible. The strain is becoming too great for him to bear, and it shows.
    We have had no further news on another friend who committed suicide several weeks ago, or rather, any information about why he committed suicide. I washed my hands of things when I heard the news because we had not heard from the friend in several years. Whatever demons he was facing, he had chosen to meet them either alone, or at least without any help from us. Within our circle of friends, there is still a search for answers, and this has gotten to be annoying to me because I don’t care anymore. I wrote in an earlier post that suicide is a selfish act that genuinely hurts those left behind. I stand by that sentiment.
    Facing two life-and-death situations is enough to unsettle anyone, and I am not superhuman. I do my best to cope with things, but I know that I cannot let them drag me down because I have always thought that a real friend is the one who can provide strength to those in need of it. Sadly, the friend who chose to take his own life never reached out for help, and our other friend is still too caught up with his wife and her illness to have time to reach out yet, but he will need to in the future.
    I dealt with Hal’s birthday this week. He turned 65 and still looks incredible. I am the luckiest man in the world to be with him, and I sometimes wonder that it has been almost 19 years together.
    Finally, there has been work. Over the last two weeks, I have had to compose a summary of myself for the company to justify my existence. Yes, it has been self-appraisal time. I hate the entire exercise because it means bragging about oneself rather than doing the actual job. Today marks the end of this cycle since I will be meeting with my supervisor to go over my new plan for the next several months.
    Therefore, at the end of today, I am declaring victory from all of these things and enjoying the weekend. I needed the time to write and realize that I cannot control some things, and the ones I can are going to resolve themselves without further effort from me. It is vital that I take some time for myself. I need the time to breathe and let everything but Hal and The Stooges leave my life for a while.
    Yesterday I wrote about needing to write but not having the time. I know now that the real trouble was that I was just not willing to face up to the things that I just mentioned. That hesitation kept holding me back, and I am glad to be rid of it. Today is a fresh start. I am looking ahead now. I am done looking back for the time being. I am reclaiming my life. I will feel better after letting completely go of all the crap for a few days.

Tags: Life, Post, Stress, Relaxation, Worries
August 17, 2018 at 12:47PM
Open in Evernote

Dreamer’s World August 16, 2018 – Need To Write

Dreamer’s World August 16, 2018 – Need To Write

     I need to get back to writing every day. I have been too busy to write. Work has occupied too much of my time, and that means my writing has taken a back seat to everyday life. I want to set aside some time each evening to write, but there is always something unexpected demanding my attention.
     With a little luck, I will complete work this afternoon and then make it to the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for my appointments before coming back home and forcing myself to take the time to finish this blog post. My mind should be clear this evening, and I am caught up with work so tomorrow should be somewhat stress-free on the job. With the worst part of the week behind me, my mind can think about writing once again.
     I’m happy to report that I came home from the Chiropractor as Acupuncturist feeling terrific. Hal and I decided that we are staying home this evening, and I am happy with the decision. I am even more pleased that I got the time to sit down and write about it here. I feel the relaxation as I write, though it is trivial stuff. It is the discipline that I needed to get myself back on track for a change.
     Such a quiet and beautiful evening should never go to waste. I am happy and thankful to be here with Hal and The Stooges. There is nowhere else on earth that I would rather be.

Tags: Life, Post, Writing, Peace, Happiness
August 16, 2018 at 07:27PM
Open in Evernote

Dreamer’s World August 13, 2018 – Relationships And Music

Dreamer’s World August 13, 2018 – Relationships And Music

    I wrote earlier about today being Hal’s birthday, and how we have been together for almost 19 years. Friends have asked us how we manage to stay together and, more importantly, happy through all this time. The answer is simple on the surface, and that is through communication and honesty. There is one other important factor, and that is practice.
    The best way I can describe how important practice is to a relationship is to compare it to playing music. I try to take time to work on my guitar playing and piano playing every day. It makes no sense to expect to get better if I don’t put the time and effort into the endeavor. A relationship is the same way. You cannot take it for granted. It must be addressed every day to improve.
    Some days I focus on the basics. Other days I try something new to expand my horizons. This variety keeps me interested in my learning process, and the same approach keeps our relationship healthy. Because music is essential to me, I put the time and effort and exploration into it. My relationship with Hal is even more critical, so why not use the same approach?

Tags: Hal (Person), Life, Post, Music, Relationships
August 13, 2018 at 01:11PM
Open in Evernote

Dreamer’s World August 13, 2018 – A Special Day

Dreamer’s World August 13, 2018 – A Special Day

    Today is Hal’s birthday. He turns 65, but he still looks as handsome and sexy as the day I first met him nearly 19 years ago. I have written about him and our relationship so many times in this blog, but I rarely cover the deep emotional bonds that tie us together.  I wonder if I can accurately describe how I feel about him because words never seem to be enough.
    I met Hal nearly 19 years ago. It was accidental, a case of mistaken identity on a blind date. I mistakenly thought that he was someone else because we had never met before. I wonder at how my life would have changed if I had decided to walk away at that time. I am sure that I would never have found the happiness that I have now. I am also sure that whatever happened on that date would not have lasted for nearly 19 years with anyone else.
    Hal and I bonded very quickly. We were both looking for something long-term and stable. We each had our series of past relationships that had failed for one reason or another. There seemed to be serendipity at work when we met. As enjoyable as any first date can be, there is always the overwhelming chance that it will never lead to anything special. Thankfully, in this case, it did.
    We decided early on that we were going to dedicate our lives to each other and see where that took us. We are still on that journey together after all of these years. Hal is the most critical person in the world to me. I am sure that I would be so much worse off if we hadn’t met. I have to wonder if I would still be around at all if I hadn’t met Hal when I did.
    Today Hal turns 65. Since he is ten years older than I am, I always marvel at how great he still looks. I can only hope that I will look that good when I reach 65. He retired from his regular job years ago, and now he works part-time to stay busy. I don’t think that he will stop that anytime soon because he enjoys his work now. He will go to work this evening. I will take him and pick him up afterward. I gave Hal his gifts last night because I have to work through the day here. I am taking him to a free acupuncture session tomorrow after I finish my day at work, and then we are going to dinner for a belated celebration.
    I am the luckiest man in the world. I am celebrating the birthday of the most remarkable man in the world.

Tags: Hal (Person), Life, Post, Birthday, Relationship, Happiness
August 13, 2018 at 09:23AM
Open in Evernote

Dreamer’s World August 9, 2018 – A Calming Effect

Dreamer’s World August 9, 2018 – A Calming Effect

    After my first post of the day, I find myself feeling better than expected. The subject matter of suicide and how it affected people could have easily ruined my day, and yet I feel a sense of peace after writing about it. I believe that writing is a great way to get rid of emotions and feelings that can become toxic if left to fester without attention, and the experiences this morning seems to justify that belief.     I know that there will always be a next lousy experience to write about, it is often said that tragedy inspires creativity. If that is true, it is a sad way to think about the world, but my writing will help me to cope with it.
    I was thinking about the underlying cause that makes us feel so strongly about things, and I realize that one of the most common factors is that all things that upset us involve a change of some degree. The loss of a friend is a change that we must adjust to, or we will lose ourselves in despair. The disruption to our routine is usually unsettling. I believe that the key to moving forward is to explore the possibilities that open up to us when change happens.
    Time is a one-way street for us. No matter how much we want time to stop when we are in a happy place, it will keep right on moving without ever having considered our feelings. The saddest people are those who stop moving forward and get crushed beneath the wheel of time. Those people end up unhappy and isolated from the rest of us. There is only a short time for us to help them before we must face the choice to move on ourselves or remain trapped with them. This decision is one of the most challenging decisions that we must make. I learned years ago that there is no choice at all. I must move forward. I will try to help, but I know my limitations.
    I look forward to new challenges and experiences. That is the mindset that keeps me happy. It is the reason I try to learn new things each day and to write about them as often as I can. I set goals that I will work to reach, and that effort occupies my mind and deflects the unhappiness that could so easily overwhelm me. Whether it is my music, my relationship with Hal, or making plans for the future that both Hal and I want, the choice to look forward is the key to happiness and sanity.

Tags: Post
August 10, 2018 at 07:18AM
Open in Evernote

Dreamer’s World August 9, 2018 – Never Had A Chance To Say Goodbye

Dreamer’s World August 9, 2018 – Never Had A Chance To Say Goodbye

    I wonder how often we all feel some sudden urge to contact someone whom we haven’t heard from in a while? How often do we follow through on that urge? I remember my parents telling me when I was a child that when I felt that way about someone, that there was an excellent chance that the person in question was also thinking about me at the same time.
    How often does someone from our past that has drifted away jump into the forefront of our thoughts? The same lesson from my parents applies to this scenario. I wonder if this is, at times, a cry for help?
    Yesterday I was jolted to learn that an old friend of Hal and I had committed suicide a few weeks ago. He had lost his job, and one of his siblings had died unexpectedly. Since we had not heard from him in over a year, we have no idea what else might have been going on in his life. The sad thing is that around the time that he took his own life, I had the urge to get in touch with him since we had not heard from him in so long.
    I am not saying that talking to him would have made a difference in the outcome. The chances are that he would have gone ahead with his plans regardless of talking to him. It made me feel a sense of loss that still lingers this morning, but because I am considered a cold-hearted bastard, I know that this feeling will pass quickly.
    One of the other valuable lessons that my parents taught me is that the person who commits suicide is only worth saving when someone can still protect them. To be honest, while suicide is a terrible thing for the person involved, it also is exceptionally selfish on their part. A short, intense feeling of pain and it is all over for them. Sadly, the people who love and care about them will go through an extended period of grief and loss, including the feeling that each of us could have done something, that we should have noticed something, that we could have prevented it from happening. Sometimes this is true, but after the fact, it is utterly pointless to worry. As a friend, I feel the nagging sense of guilt, but not as keenly as those who were still close with him at the last minute.
    I am not religious. I don’t condemn someone to hell for committing suicide. I do condemn them for the pain and suffering that they inflict on those who love and care by their action. My only real regret is that I never got to say goodbye.
    The next time you feel strongly about someone you haven’t heard from, give them a call. Perhaps it will make a difference, maybe not. Hopefully, the call will rekindle the feelings of friendship, and won’t be related to something as awful as suicide.

Tags: Life, Post, Friends, Friendship, Death, Suicide
August 09, 2018 at 08:30AM
Open in Evernote

Dreamer’s World August 7, 2018 – Happiness Is Hearing A Favorite Tune

Dreamer’s World August 7, 2018 – Happiness Is Hearing A Favorite Tune

    Snoopy And The Gang nailed my feelings perfectly for today with their little announcement. I can’t imagine life without music, but I’m sure that it would be awful and not worth living. The fact that I’m teaching myself to play guitar in my 50s and re-acquainting myself with the piano is proof of that.
    Some people have questioned the investment in music at my age. I ask them why they don’t also follow one of their passions rather than just wishing about them.  I learned to ignore most of what people said about my life many years ago. I try my best to stay out of their affairs, and I expect the same courtesy to me. I am having a great time learning the guitar. It is not without frustration at times, but I know that when I look back to where I started, I can see how far I have come. The same applies to the piano. I will never be a professional musician, the chances of that happening are in the past, but the sheer excitement is still there.
    I find myself hearing a favorite tune these days and instantly wondering if I can manage to learn to play it myself. Between the guitar and piano, I will try to work something out. I find that most of the songs aren’t that complicated, but they do require lots of practice to master. Perhaps that view is because I am awakening to the intricacies of music once again if so, it is a beautiful addition to my life. My office space here at home cluttered with guitars, amps, and my new digital piano, yet I never felt so free and unfettered in my life.
    Hal encourages me to pursue my passion, although he does insist that I practice using headphones most of the time. I don’t blame him, I am still learning, and I make mistakes. I am thankful to have a loving partner who supports me in this adventure.  Music is more important to me now than it has ever been, and I have never been happier.

Tags: Life, Post, Happiness, Music
August 07, 2018 at 01:09PM
Open in Evernote