Dreamer’s World February 06, 2018 – Nothing Ever Stays The Same

    Each day that passes presents us with opportunities and challenges. Some things occur that we must respond to in some form or another. How we react determines our life at that moment. Some of these things are physical and tangible, while others are more ethereal or mental, but they are all worthwhile because to discard them is to alter the path that we are on.
    Today is one of those days, naturally, but it is a day when I remember my Mom. She would have been 93 years old today, but she is no longer here. I know that today will be filled with memories of her more than other days. For the first few years after she died, I hated the memories because they only served to remind me of who I had lost. The emotions were intense, sad, and bitter because I was coping with loss. The memories were clouded with reactions, rather than just letting them flow through my mind and enjoying them for what they were.
    I learned just to embrace the memories that come to me. Questioning why a particular instance would flash into my mind on Mom’s birthday. Most of the memories are wonderful and pleasant, but occasionally there are memories that are sad and unpleasant. I learned to accept them as they appeared, knowing that the simple act of remembering Mom was the vital thing. A memory of an argument reminds me that no one is perfect and that holding a grudge accomplishes nothing positive.
    The most crucial memories were when she talked to me about life, and how to deal with it when things go wrong. She taught me that each disappointment was there to remind me of how good things were at other times and that I should always keep things in perspective. She taught me that I had my life to live, and that only I could make myself happy. She taught me to always be considerate of others, but not at the expense of my own well-being.

Dreamer’s World February 06, 2018 – Nothing Ever Stays The Same

    Each day that passes presents us with opportunities and challenges. Some things occur that we must respond to in some form or another. How we react determines our life at that moment. Some of these things are physical and tangible, while others are more ethereal or mental, but they are all worthwhile because to discard them is to alter the path that we are on.
    Today is one of those days, naturally, but it is a day when I remember my Mom. She would have been 93 years old today, but she is no longer here. I know that today will be filled with memories of her more than other days. For the first few years after she died, I hated the memories because they only served to remind me of who I had lost. The emotions were intense, sad, and bitter because I was coping with loss. The memories were clouded with reactions, rather than just letting them flow through my mind and enjoying them for what they were.
    I learned just to embrace the memories that come to me. Questioning why a particular instance would flash into my mind on Mom’s birthday. Most of the memories are wonderful and pleasant, but occasionally there are memories that are sad and unpleasant. I learned to accept them as they appeared, knowing that the simple act of remembering Mom was the vital thing. A memory of an argument reminds me that no one is perfect and that holding a grudge accomplishes nothing positive.
    The most crucial memories were when she talked to me about life, and how to deal with it when things go wrong. She taught me that each disappointment was there to remind me of how good things were at other times and that I should always keep things in perspective. She taught me that I had my life to live, and that only I could make myself happy. She taught me to always be considerate of others, but not at the expense of my own well-being.

Dreamer’s World January 20, 2018 – My Birthday And The Best Gift Ever

    The big day is here at last! Today, I am 54 years old. I don’t feel any older, but the calendar indicates that I have to acknowledge another year has passed in my life. Time always has its way with us, no matter how we measure it.
I reflect on this day. I see vaguely into my past and never thought about what it would be like to be 54 years old. It always seemed that things like this were sometime in the far distant future, and yet here I sit writing about it as it is happening to me. I am not sad about this birthday; it signals that I have made it through another year.
    Today also marks a milestone in my relationship with Hal. Since we just celebrated our 18th anniversary two weeks ago, I realize that I have been with Hal for 1/3 of my life. Knowing this comforts me more than anything else. I don’t know where I would be without Hal. I don’t know if I would still be alive without Hal. He is the most wonderful gift that I ever received.
    When I thought of my 36th birthday in 2000, I was in a tough spot in my life. I had just met Hal, but there was no real indication that our relationship would last this long. I had my hopes that it would, tempered with a huge dose of cynicism about relationships in general. I remember drinking heavily to escape the loneliness that I felt at that time. For the first months of our time together, I felt like I needed alcohol to deal with the inevitable breakup that was bound to happen.
    Something strange took place inside of me. I began to feel positive emotions again. I started to see opportunities rather than obstacles in my life. I began to be comfortable in my own skin, and my confidence returned. This was the confidence that came from within and not the false bravado that I wore like a shield for so long. I dared to feel happy and calm and relaxed. I accepted that someone loved me for who I was.
    By the summer of 2000, I was a different and better man. I had stopped continually drinking without ever noticing it. Hal never bugged me about it. I was changing because I wanted to, not because I was forced. My unconscious choice to stop drinking saved my life, and I thank Hal. I found the joy of living again and have never let it go.
The years since then have been fantastic and empowering for me. Hal and I have gone through rough times, but we have never given up on one another. He is my soulmate.
    Today I am 54 years old. Today I am here because of love and friendship from the most important person in the world.

Dreamer’s World January 20, 2018 – My Birthday And The Best Gift Ever

    The big day is here at last! Today, I am 54 years old. I don’t feel any older, but the calendar indicates that I have to acknowledge another year has passed in my life. Time always has its way with us, no matter how we measure it.
I reflect on this day. I see vaguely into my past and never thought about what it would be like to be 54 years old. It always seemed that things like this were sometime in the far distant future, and yet here I sit writing about it as it is happening to me. I am not sad about this birthday; it signals that I have made it through another year.
    Today also marks a milestone in my relationship with Hal. Since we just celebrated our 18th anniversary two weeks ago, I realize that I have been with Hal for 1/3 of my life. Knowing this comforts me more than anything else. I don’t know where I would be without Hal. I don’t know if I would still be alive without Hal. He is the most wonderful gift that I ever received.
    When I thought of my 36th birthday in 2000, I was in a tough spot in my life. I had just met Hal, but there was no real indication that our relationship would last this long. I had my hopes that it would, tempered with a huge dose of cynicism about relationships in general. I remember drinking heavily to escape the loneliness that I felt at that time. For the first months of our time together, I felt like I needed alcohol to deal with the inevitable breakup that was bound to happen.
    Something strange took place inside of me. I began to feel positive emotions again. I started to see opportunities rather than obstacles in my life. I began to be comfortable in my own skin, and my confidence returned. This was the confidence that came from within and not the false bravado that I wore like a shield for so long. I dared to feel happy and calm and relaxed. I accepted that someone loved me for who I was.
    By the summer of 2000, I was a different and better man. I had stopped continually drinking without ever noticing it. Hal never bugged me about it. I was changing because I wanted to, not because I was forced. My unconscious choice to stop drinking saved my life, and I thank Hal. I found the joy of living again and have never let it go.
The years since then have been fantastic and empowering for me. Hal and I have gone through rough times, but we have never given up on one another. He is my soulmate.
    Today I am 54 years old. Today I am here because of love and friendship from the most important person in the world.

Dreamer’s World January 19, 2018 – The Last Day of 53


    I am delighted to report that I finally got a good night of sleep last night. I don’t know how much longer I could have gone on without real sleep. I suppose that there is some significance since tomorrow is my birthday and I will turn 54 years old. I don’t feel any older yet, but I know that I would have without sleep.
    Since Hal has to work tomorrow on my birthday, I am not expecting much regarding a celebration. I am not feeling deprived because of that. If Hal takes me to dinner this evening or over the weekend that will be more than enough to make me feel special. The celebrations aren’t necessary. In fact, I never had the typical birthday party as a child. I have been genuinely shocked in the past when someone remembered my birthday, to be honest.
    I approach tomorrow with optimism. I know that I am loved by those who matter the most to me, and that is the most wonderful gift that I can receive.

Dreamer’s World January 20 2016 – The Big Day

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52 years young today. I wonder where all the time has gone. I don’t feel any real difference from yesterday, but the calendar states that something is different today. I arrived on Planet Earth on this day in 1964. I remember in later years being told how my Mom worried so much over the assassination of JFK that she was afraid that she might miscarry. Thankfully, that didn’t happen or else this blog would be incredibly awkward.
     Today is an interesting day to be born on. I am on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius. Basically, this means that I am a stubborn and highly motivated dreamer who sees things from a different perspective. It seems to be a constant struggle as each side tries to impose its will onto me. I suppose that is how I ended up as a Type B personality, because the struggle was just too intense to handle and I decided to let life take me where it will with no extreme guidance or demands from me, but without allowing flights of fancy to dictate as well. For this reason, some people have a hard time reading me personally, I consider that to be a safeguard against which only those who really want to know me will struggle through until the end.
     I am taking today off from work. I always do for my birthday. I deserve it, as everyone does. Hal (person) is at work for a few hours today, just like every other Wednesday, and I am writing and responding to birthday wishes from friends and acquaintances. Hal made spaghetti last night, and there is plenty to last us for several days. I consider that the most special gift because it is something that he made, rather than something he bought.
     After a quick look at The Weather Channel, it is now obvious that a major snowstorm is forecast for the DC area starting late in the day on Friday. While this is not the best news, at least it gives us time to prepare and make sure that we have things here that we need before the storm arrives. I will be going to Harris Teeter with Hal (person) after he gets home from work before we do anything else. 
     We did get to Harris Teeter before the real crowds got there. It was still crowded but we got what we needed.
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After that, Hal (person) took me to my choice of places for a birthday dinner. I chose iHOP. Some might think that is weird, but I like it and it isn’t expensive for Hal. We are home now and should be for the rest of the evening. I will get some rest and have a wonderful spaghetti dinner with Hal. After that, tomorrow is another day as I start my “new year”.
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Dreamer’s World January 13 2016 – Where Have The Years Gone?

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     Next Wednesday, I reach another birthday. I am not superstitious about these things and I know that age is just a number that we assign to ourselves. I suppose what makes this upcoming birthday different is that as I prepare to turn 52 years old, I am realizing that there is more life behind me than ahead of me. Where has all this time gone?
     I can clearly recall mornings from my childhood. There seems to be a memory for each season. I can smell the grass in the summertime, I can feel the silent cold of the snow that I hoped would keep me from going to school. The memories are so intense I can almost reach out and touch them.
     I remember Mom and Dad always teaching me to think for myself and to question everything. I thank them for that each and every day. I remember the talks around the dinner table that lasted for hours. I remember the difficulties Mom had with her family since she had been adopted as a young girl. Her natural siblings found her later in life. I remember how Mom struggled to put together a family that she never knew. I remember Dad telling me that it was the three of us against the world.
     I remember our town getting a McDonald’s and thinking that we had finally reached the big time. I remember cable tv when it was something that we couldn’t afford, but somehow we never missed.
     I remember playing 2nd base and center field. I can still hear the “ping” of the aluminum bat as I would race around to 2nd base after hitting a double into the right-center field gap. I remember playing right field on e game and backing up an errant throw to first base. I unloaded a bullet to 3rd base that had the runner out by 10 feet.
     I remember listening to songs for the first time. These are the most relevant memories for me. The music never changes. The memories the music evokes varies from time to time, but always in a good way.
     I remember the first kiss, I remember the first date, I remember the first rejection. I remember the first heartbreak that I swore I would never recover from. Silly me, life would prove that was just a warmup for later. I remember playing in a band, I remember being in the marching band, I remember friends that have vanished into the mists of time. I remember Saturday morning cartoons that weren’t designed sold to sell toys. I remember the Road Runner and Wiley Coyote on a 13-inch screen.
     I remember elementary school where it seemed I was always being held back because I was taught so much at home. I was taught to be inquisitive and to never stop learning. I remember thinking that so many kids there we’re just going through the motions and not caring about anything.
     I remember middle school, I remember the school dances. I remember the feeling that I had made some cosmic and karmic advancement from elementary school. I remember finally being allowed to write what I wanted in English class to let my creative side out.
     I remember high school. I remember the nerves when I took my driving test since my Dad had suffered a stroke and was unable to be there with me. I remember parties that I wasn’t supposed to go to, so naturally I went anyway. I remember causing trouble, or what passed as trouble in a small town. I remember school trips with the marching band. I remember the feeling that I was invincible just like everyone else and that life was nothing but roses (watch out for those thorns). I remember dates, I remember long quiet evenings just talking about getting the hell out of our hometown. I remember my Dad passing away when I was 17 and feeling that a void had been created that would never be filled. I remember graduation. It felt like parole had been granted.
     I remember the year before I went away to college. I remember watching so many of my friends dutifully lock themselves into our hometown. I remember their expressions that said they had no choice, that they had not prepared to do anything else. They attempted to comfort themselves with the belief that thus was the best that they could do. I remember the revelation that I was indeed different. I remember knowing that I could not just melt into the town to never surface again as an individual.
     I remember college. I remember the new faces and the new environment. I remember the tears in my Mom’s eyes as she drove away after making sure that I was settled into the dorm my first year. I remember making new friends. I remember being challenged intellectually for what seemed the first time in my life. I remember the college marking band and the football and basketball games that I was able to attend because I was with the band. I remember the Challenger explosion as it happened on CNN in the Student Center. I remember the sense of awe as history unfolded in its terrible glory and older people talked about the JFK assassination, although that happened before I was born. I remember that it taught me that the world goes on regardless of tragedy, and the only real choice we have is to keep moving forward as well.
     I remember when I joined the Navy after college because I wanted to get into a job field that wasn’t open to anyone without military training. I remember the pride my Mom had when she saw me in uniform. I remember seeing parts of the world that the old friends in my hometown could only dream about. I remember good times and bad from the Navy. I remember nearly being married twice (luckily I never got there).
     I remember meeting a friend, Donald Beasley, who would remain a close part of my life. I remember meeting his wife and family years later and feeling like I belonged. We still visit them even though Don was killed in a motorcycle accident in 2014.
     I remember leaving the Navy when my Mom’s health failed her at last. I remember finally finding my soulmate in Hal (person, not the cat) right as I left the Navy. I remember Mom treating Hal as part of our family. I remember us both being there as Mom let our her last breath. I remember saying goodbye to her.
     I remember the struggles after leaving the Navy. I remember how Hal and I have always managed to find a way to get through things together. I remember various jobs, some good, some bad until I landed the right job that I have held for 10 years. I remember the cats that we have had, UK, Muffin, Spartacus, Maxwell, Stevie Nicks, and now Hal (cat).
     I remember all of the cars I have had, the AMC Pacer (don’t laugh), the late 70s Mustang (yuck), the Nissan Sentra hatchback, the Chevy Nova (blah), the Ford Explorer, the Honda Civic EX, the Jeep Cherokee, the Nissan Sentra (nothing but trash), and finally the 2002 Beetle (love it).
     I remember how I feel at this moment. I wonder where have the years gone?