Loneliness

Loneliness

It had to happen eventually. Loneliness has set in, and I feel it keenly this morning. I attended a Virtual Happy Hour yesterday afternoon with people from my job I haven’t seen in months. It was a good time, but I know that the meeting sowed the seeds for the loneliness I feel now.

I’m sitting here typing and listening to Led Zeppelin while Hal watches TV and The Stooges take care of whatever they want to. I placed a grocery order that should be here within two hours. Once that arrives, I can start cooking in the kitchen. I have chicken marinating in the refrigerator and veggies to steam in the new large stovetop steamer that arrived yesterday.

I doubt that we’ll go out today because Hal’s back is sore. I might take a short drive later and gill the Fiesta with gas. If there is anything else we need, I’ll pick that up as well.

I started cooking the chicken while waiting for the grocery delivery because I got bored. I’ve got my Led Zeppelin playlist on in the kitchen so that it won’t disturb Hal. I need to stay busy right now to fight off loneliness and boredom because both feelings can be dangerous. Staying active also helps me focus as I write, so I stay on-topic.

A picture of the new steamer with corn cobs in the top section and fresh green beans underneath. I’m happy to cook/steam more things at once. I know that everything will be delicious.

I’ll finish cooking and then have a late lunch before a shower and decide about going anywhere.

Another Sleepless Night

Another Sleepless Night

Insomnia is back again like an uninvited and unwanted guest that I cannot get rid of, hereto torrent me once again. Rather than fight futility and try to sleep, I’ll just write to occupy my time.

The week is almost over, and I hope that the nasty weather will be as well. I was right again this year about Presidents Day weekend when we would have the worst weather.

I want to go to the grocery store later today if the temperature goes above freezing. My cooking has steadily increased, and I’m happy with the results. We’ve saved a lot of money by cooking meals here at home and plan to continue the practice. I am waiting on the new steamer to arrive so I can steam green beans and corb on the cob using just one steamer. I’m also planning to steam crab legs soon.

My sinuses have given me trouble recently and affected my breathing. To avoid risk, I am not doing anything strenuous because I don’t want to end up in the hospital again. The most valuable lesson I have learned is to stay calm and not panic even when I start to feel short of breath. The deep breathing exercises and meditation have helped to master my emotions and reduce any sense of panic.

Regardless of what happens, I’m still the luckiest man in the world because of Hal. If not for him, I know I would be dead now. He saved my life, and that makes me love him, even more every day. The Stooges keep me happy as well with their antics and love, so no matter what other people might think, I am grateful for what I have, rather than envious of what I don’t.

Insomnia can try to beat me down, but I know it will pass. Hal The Cat has arrived to keep me company as I write, and his presence relaxes me. I think I will sleep soon, so I’ll sign off for the night and look forward to Friday.

Doctors visit

Check-up

I went to my primary care doctor Wednesday morning for a scheduled checkup visit.

I am working with the Long Term Disability people to get the payments rolling. I am going to be in Ling-Term Disability through the end of May. I’ll meet with the doctor before then to see what the next step will be.

Things move in their own time, I have to keep working on my recovery and try to be patient. Rushing a process like this will just lead to trouble.

A Change To The Routine

A Change To The Routine

I had a follow-up visit with one of my doctors this morning, but for the first time, it was a virtual visit. One of the staff at the doctor’s office contracted COVID-19, and so all appointments were shifted to virtual if possible. It was a new experience talking to the doctor without being in the same room. This is the new normal.

Another change is this afternoon when I take Hal to his doctor for a check-up. Usually, I’m the one who has to go to the doctor. At least the weather is nice today, although it is rather cold.

I feel ok. I’m still avoiding politics because the subject makes me feel like a relapse to the shit that hospitalized me last year. The stupid fuckers can’t get their act together to help people; they’re only interested in helping themselves. I don’t have the energy to care anymore.

Avoiding politics is the goal I set for myself, and I want to stick to it. My postings are fewer, but that’s because I’m not just reporting every article I find interesting. I need to take time for myself and healing my body and mind.

Changing Times

Most of the time, I deal with my diabetes without too much trouble. I’ve learned through the years how to manage my condition without interrupting my daily life properly.

However, there are times when my diabetes gets the best of me. Earlier today, I forgot my morning dose of medicine, and I felt the impact of that mistake. My neck and shoulders really sore, almost burning sensation, and nothing helps until I take some insulin. The blood sugar was high, and I am waiting for it to come down. The pain and burning have gone away, and even my breathing is better.

Now I have to resist the temptation to do anything except getting my blood sugar level down. This is something that I can not rush, it has to happen after taking the insulin. Until then I must force myself to relax and unwind.

This whole scenario occurs occasionally and that is how I have learned to handle it without difficulty. Just another part of my ever-changing life.

Making a Break vs Taking a Break

The title says it all. I am going to make a break from posting polity items on this blog. When I say “make a break” I mean a permanent reduction, if not total elimination, of political items on this blog.

“Taking a Break” implies a temporary halt. I want to do more than that. I have used this blog to post political items, and I’ve just lost interest in pursuing it further.

I’m not planning to stop writing; I need to focus on other things. My life is changing, and I need to adapt to the changes with my writing. This whole self-evaluation began when I was in the hospital late last year. I nearly died, and that was a wake-up call that I should focus my life on different areas.

I’ve always been interested in, and passionate about politics. The trouble is that I was so consumed with hatred of what our country was becoming that I lost touch with myself. I became a shell of a person, blindly parroting things I believed in at the expense of everything else in my life. I was miserable without realizing it. I transferred my unhappiness with politics into my personal life, and that was poisoning me.

Therefore, I am taking a break from the old habits and routines. The number of blog posts will diminish at first, but I hope to become more proficient as time goes by.

Headspace 24 JANUARY 2021

I need to get some more Headspace in my life. Starting my day with a short inspirational story and some meditative music is right for me. It lets my mind clear out the clutter and prepare for the new day ahead. The challenge is setting aside the time for Headspace because it is a time-consuming app; there’s no getting around that point.

I can write more freely after watching the daily short story and then starting one of the music playlists. While the music plays, I can write as my mind relaxes and clears. It is a beautiful feeling to embrace the calm and shut out the chaos for a while. Right now, I am listening to a music list called “Kindness.” What a great name to give.

We could all do with more kindness in our lives. We always seem to be focusing on things through anger rather than kindness and love. I am guilty of this mistake, and I have written about overcoming it. It will take time and effort, and concentration, but the inner peace is worth it.

My challenge is to carry through with this effort and not give up. The reward is worth the effort because this affects my sanity and my health. I feel better just listening to the music and letting the words flow out of me. I feel more relaxed than I expected would in the morning. My mood is changing, and I know that it will be a struggle, but I want to make this change in my life.

When I was in the hospital, the nurses and doctors told me that meditation and writing were excellent therapy forms. I can see what they are talking about right now, and I am enjoying myself.

A theme throughout the “Kindness” playlist is water. The sounds of rain or running water are always present. I believe this represents a cleansing or purification of the mind. Letting the unimportant things wash away to leave a clean, pure surface to build the day on is a beautiful image that comes to mind. As I focus on the music, the words come pouring out so effortlessly. It feels incredible and relaxing and refreshing at the same time.

The simple melodies that occur repeat, but not in an annoying way, the pieces keep my mind focused, and then as the songs build and become more complex, it helps my mind open and relaxes me even more.

I just fell into such a wonderful sense of calm. I actually began purging my reading list of some topics that only upset me. I believe this is that proverbial first step on a journey that I am starting this morning, one that I hope will bring me joy, peace, and happiness.

The Day Before

The Day Before

Today is January 19th. Tomorrow is my birthday, and I’ll turn 57 years young. I feel old since my health took a turn for the worse about six months ago, but mentally I feel almost like a teenager. It doesn’t seem possible that I have been here for 57 years. That still seems old to me.

I wonder where I would be, or if I would still be alive, if not for Hal. We have been together for 21 years; over one-third of my life has been with him. We have known and loved one another longer than any relationship I have had, including family.

I am fortunate when I met Hal. I was on my way to becoming an alcoholic. I could throw down with the most hard-core drinkers imaginable. Within six months of meeting Hal, I almost stopped drinking altogether. I will still have a drink or two occasionally, but in 21 years, I’ve never been drunk since I met Hal. I quit smoking five years ago, as well. Hal did bother me about smoking, but he never said those first few months about drinking. I suppose he didn’t want to seem too overbearing.

Anyway, tomorrow is my birthday. There aren’t any big surprises after all these years. I don’t need a thing besides a nice birthday dinner. With the pandemic, and since Hal can’t drive anymore, I already told Hal what I want for my dinner. We’ll go to Bonefish Grill and pick up a salmon dinner and some shrimp to bring back home for my birthday meal. There’s no way in hell we are going to eat in a restaurant during the pandemic.

My birthday is also Inauguration Day, just like it is every fourth year. Getting rid of DumbShit Orange Nazi is a gift all by itself. I hope that the terrorists have been arrested and that there is no violence on my birthday. I never want my birthday to be marred by violence or terrorism.

So, Happy Birthday to me tomorrow.

Writing At Night

For some strange reason, probably insomnia, I find myself writing late at night when most of the world is asleep. I certainly wish that I operated on the same schedule as everyone else, but I seem powerless to control it. So, I write this blog post at 0400 on a Saturday morning after being awake for more than two hours already.

Now I start to make the necessary mental preparations for the rest of the day. I recognize that I will have to stop whatever I am doing at some point in the day and surrender to what amounts to unwelcome sleep at that time because my body will be exhausted.

This is not an enjoyable life. Seemingly, there is nothing I can do at this time to correct the problem, so I just feed my desire to write and to read what others have written. I know that at some point in the future that the insomnia will pass and sleep will come naturally, until them, I write.

Portable Oxygen Concentrator

Later today I’m meeting someone to possibly purchase a portable oxygen concentrator called an Inogen One G3. I have been checking about acquiring one of these machines through my insurance, but the insane rules and excessive cost make that very unlikely right now. Instead, I will check this machine out for myself. 

The person selling it recently lost a loved one who used the machine and now they want to sell it to someone who can use it. I could certainly use it if it’s in working condition. The person is selling it for a decent price compared to other retailers and private sellers, so it’s worth taking a look. 

I hate lugging an oxygen canister with me when I’m out. The comfort of knowing I have O2 is balanced against the realization that when the O2 runs out, I can be in serious trouble.  I would prefer to have the portable oxygen concentrator to provide oxygen as long as the battery is charged. A place to charge a battery is much easier to find when one is out than a refill station for an O2 canister. 

This is what I have now. You can see the limitations it has. It is bulky and limits mobility when I’m out. It takes up most of a large shopping cart at the grocery store and then the tube limits how far I can move away from that cart. 

The Inogen One G3 has a carrying bag and is much smaller. It makes its own O2 from the surrounding air. I hope that this machine is in working order and worth the asking price. If do, I’m buying it and taking back a degree of freedom that I lost late last year.