Flashbacks

Flashbacks

Saturday was a cold, damp, and all-around miserable day here. We didn’t leave the apartment at all. My sinuses were killing me with congestion and either sneezing or blowing out great gobs of crap when I blew my nose. Things got to the point where I used oxygen for the first time in weeks, other than sleeping. It helps keep my nasal passages open so I can breathe.

I was sitting in my chair, inhaling oxygen, and I remembered not that long ago when just doing this simple task exhausted me. I’ve come a long way, but I know I’m still fragile.

For some reason, I’ve had flashbacks over the last few days about my time in the hospital. I hope this isn’t a precursor of things to come. I’m monitoring my health as best I can, and I’ve been concerned over the last few days that something isn’t quite right. I’m examining my legs and feet daily, and I asked Hal to do so as well. I’m afraid that my kidney function might be decreasing again. I have an appointment with the urologist later in June, but if things go wrong, I’ll try to get there as soon as possible.

Something like this doesn’t scare me anymore. I’ve been through too much to let stress kill me now. When Hal came into the living room, the first words out of his mouth were, “Why are you on Oxygen?” followed by “Why didn’t you say something?” I’m lucky to be with Hal. These 21 years are the best in my life, and I want a lot more years with Hal.

Is This All There Is??

Is this the best I can hope for?

I’m almost afraid to write this blog post. It is a very sensitive subject for me to discuss here, but I do know that therapy stresses writing to get my feelings out in the open.

My recovery from last fall’s hospital stays has been excellent, according to my doctors. COPD means I’ll never be a runner. I won’t play tennis or basketball anytime soon. Compared with my condition last December, I have made significant progress, but that progress has slowed down almost to the point of not improving anymore at all.

Is my current condition the highest plateau I can reach? Part of me screams “No!” but my rational side says this is probably true. I still get dizzy when I have to bend over for more than a second or two. I feel like I’m running out of breath very quickly. Thankfully, I can use meditation and controlled breathing to stop myself from getting into real trouble.

I am only mortal, as are we all. I recognize that I’m closer to the end than the beginning. I see the world going straight to hell, and there’s nothing I can do about it. Stupid people want to argue, and I don’t have the stamina for that anymore.

If what I feel now is my new apex, I want to spend a lot of time here before I start the inevitable downhill slide. I am currently focused on the quality of my life more than ever before.

I don’t plan on leaving here anytime soon.

Another Sleepless Night

Another Sleepless Night

Insomnia is back again like an uninvited and unwanted guest that I cannot get rid of, hereto torrent me once again. Rather than fight futility and try to sleep, I’ll just write to occupy my time.

The week is almost over, and I hope that the nasty weather will be as well. I was right again this year about Presidents Day weekend when we would have the worst weather.

I want to go to the grocery store later today if the temperature goes above freezing. My cooking has steadily increased, and I’m happy with the results. We’ve saved a lot of money by cooking meals here at home and plan to continue the practice. I am waiting on the new steamer to arrive so I can steam green beans and corb on the cob using just one steamer. I’m also planning to steam crab legs soon.

My sinuses have given me trouble recently and affected my breathing. To avoid risk, I am not doing anything strenuous because I don’t want to end up in the hospital again. The most valuable lesson I have learned is to stay calm and not panic even when I start to feel short of breath. The deep breathing exercises and meditation have helped to master my emotions and reduce any sense of panic.

Regardless of what happens, I’m still the luckiest man in the world because of Hal. If not for him, I know I would be dead now. He saved my life, and that makes me love him, even more every day. The Stooges keep me happy as well with their antics and love, so no matter what other people might think, I am grateful for what I have, rather than envious of what I don’t.

Insomnia can try to beat me down, but I know it will pass. Hal The Cat has arrived to keep me company as I write, and his presence relaxes me. I think I will sleep soon, so I’ll sign off for the night and look forward to Friday.