Afraid to Sleep

     I’m afraid to sleep. There, I admitted it to myself and the rest of the world. I’m reliving my near-death experience when I sleep from a year ago, and I don’t know how to handle it. A therapist told me that anniversaries are triggers and that sometimes we don’t recognize them until something suddenly snaps. 

     I’m trying to reevaluate everything right now. I’ve probably lied to myself about getting better. Instead, I think I’ve recovered as much as I can. I feel angry, like I let myself down, but now I must consider how bad my situation was. I’m moving away from the precipice without recognizing how close to the edge I was. 

     I have flashbacks, nightmares, and bad dreams when I sleep now. I wake up on the verge of screaming, but the details of the dreams have already escaped my mind. I can’t talk about things I can’t remember. All I can do is hope that in less than two weeks, with the anniversary of my release from the hospital, that the flashbacks, nightmares, and bad dreams will stop. 

Bad Dreams

I cannot sleep. I had nothing but bad dreams all night long when I managed to doze off. The dreams were strange and disjointed, not to mention unpleasant. They all seemed to focus on situations that made me feel uncomfortable and inadequate. These events caused me to lash out at those who wronged me.

I am going through a strange period in my life right now. It is the first anniversary of my last hospital stay, the one where I nearly died. I have talked with counselors, and they told me that it would not be unusual to have a tough time right now. That puts my mind at ease, but only to a small degree.

Not sleeping cannot be good for me. I give up on sleeping tonight, and my mind is just a mess of unwanted emotions. I wonder if this will last until the first anniversary of when I left the hospital last year. If so, that means another almost three weeks of this turmoil.

Depressed, Sad, and Afraid

     It is Thanksgiving, and I am feeling depressed and afraid. Almost exactly one year ago, I went to the hospital for the 4th or 5th time that year for breathing trouble. It happened the weekend after Thanksgiving. After several days in the hospital, my kidneys started to shut down; I don’t remember much for the next few days after that.  Doctors put me into a coma and transferred me to another hospital. I wasn’t brought back to consciousness for almost a week.

     At that time, doctors and nurses told me what had happened. I was alone. Hal had to take Uber for almost 75 miles to get to me because he couldn’t drive. I was alone every other day for nearly a month there in that. It was the worst time in my life, and I never want to relive it.

     Now, I have memories of that time, no matter how I try to avoid them and think of other things. I’m sure that the first anniversary triggers these memories. To make matters worse, this year, Hal has some of his family nearby and will probably spend time with them. I don’t blame Hal for wanting to see his family, but that will leave me here alone for an indeterminate period. I don’t want to be alone right now. I’m thinking about the bad things that could happen instead of the good things that already happened.

     So, here I am on Thanksgiving feeling depressed and afraid. I can’t talk with Hal about how I feel because he will tell me to get over it and not think about it. I wish it were that easy. I have flashbacks to the time in the hospital that I just can’t control. Am I going insane? I hope not.

     At any rate, I prepared a large roast for out Thanksgiving meal later today. We will spend the day here at home. Just us and The Stooges.

     Happy Thanksgiving everyone.

Detachment

     The terrible news from Waukesha, Wisconsin, last night made me stop and think about the world we have today. It is full of beautiful people, but some lunatics don’t care about others. Immediately after the tragedy, people began imposing their world views onto the event to make themselves somehow the center of worldwide attention.

     I had to deliberately step away from news coverage and social media reaction to the tragedy. My health and well-being were at stake. I meditated to calm myself down and look at the situation. No matter what happened hundreds of miles away in Wisconsin, I cannot do anything about it in the short term. There isn’t much I can do at all. Other peoples’ reactions aren’t my problem unless I make them so.

     A tragedy like this hurts us all in some way. We are human and need to care for each other. I learned over the last year that I must take more time for myself because of my health issues. I cannot let myself get caught up in events I cannot control. Stress makes me feel worse, and I don’t want that.

     My solution is to detach myself from the news when something like this happens. I listen to music or read a book with the tv turned off. I play with the cats because they are smart enough to ignore the news all the time. When the tightness leaves my chest, I know detachment is working. One year ago, I nearly died. I was in the hospital, and there was a good chance that I would not survive. Fortunately, I did, and I don’t want to be in that condition again.

     I’m awake with sinus trouble; that is my main concern right now. I wanted to write because it puts my mind at ease when I feel bad. I write to describe how I feel and what I do to correct wrong things in my life that I can control.

     Detachment works. It isn’t easy, but it works.

JFK and Me

     I share a strange link with John F Kennedy. I almost wasn’t born because my Mom was so upset by the news of JFK’s assassination that she nearly lost her pregnancy (me). I learned of this fact years later when I was a child.

     Mom was on the verge of being medicated when JFK was killed because she was seven months pregnant, and at 38 years old, she was in great danger of losing her pregnancy.  I am glad (obviously) that things turned out ok because I came into the world on January 20, 1964, almost two months after JFK died. I wonder how many other people can relate to my story. A worldwide event that traumatized everyone and caused all sorts of reactions.

     I wonder how many children hear the same stories if they were born soon after 9-11? The circumstances are similar. I genuinely hope that no woman miscarried because of 9-11, just like I’m glad my Mom didn’t back in November 1963.

     Does anyone out there have a similar story about themselves?

Thanksgiving Prep

     Thanksgiving is nearly here, and I am still deciding what to have for the traditional Thanksgiving meal. My plan to try cooking a turkey breast fell through because we don’t have the freezer space for the turkey, and the shortage at the local grocery stores killed the idea.

     My next option is salmon. I choose salmon over chicken because we have chicken so often. I will check Costco for their salmon selection to help make my decision. If salmon isn’t available or is too expensive, the nest options are a roast or pork chops.

     Storing the meat is the problem I have. I wish that we had the room for a freezer chest to store meats and buy in bulk, but that isn’t the case. If all else fails, I will get some chicken breasts and either make them for tacos or cook them in the Instant Pot with some cream of mushroom soup and veggies with egg noodles.

     The meal is only for Hal and me. I want it to be special for us regardless. I will figure something out before Thanksgiving.

A New Start

     I’ve accomplished a lot recently. Cooking was my main chore. I’ve made a pot roast in the Instant Pot, which came out delicious. Hal enjoyed his dinner, and that made my day.

     I use the term “day” rather loosely because I am usually awake late at night and crash for an afternoon or early evening nap. My circadian rhythm is out of sync right now.  I will try again tomorrow and see if I can straighten out this mess I am in right now.

     Thanksgiving is next week, and I am still debating whether to try cooking a turkey. I researched recipes on the internet. I would not use the internet to research vaccines, of course. So far, I am leaning toward cooking a boneless turkey breast in the air fryer, using the rotisserie spit. Because we have almost no room in the freezer, I won’t bother getting a turkey breast until next Tuesday. If there are none available, I know that I will not be cooking a turkey this Thanksgiving.

     I’m looking forward to the future for a change. My sense of optimism and adventure has returned. I feel I am making a New Start.

Refreshed

     I needed a break from blogging. I was burned out and felt like writing was a task rather than a joy. I took time to focus on other areas of my life for a change and feel better as a result. I focused on my health and controlling my COPD and Diabetes. I understand my body better now and what it tells me every day.

     The world continues to shit itself, but I don’t worry about that as much as I did before. I only posted one item that I read online during my enforced absence from blogging. My deeply held opinions are still intact, but they won’t be the focus of this blog anymore. I concentrated on sticking to a budget since I am on disability, and I needed that discipline in my life. I have done better than I thought I would. Now I must stick to the plan I created.

     Hal (person) and I are doing fine. The Stooges are all well. Hal and I are spending most of our time at home, but we try to get out for a short time each day. We still haven’t eaten at a restaurant, and we won’t until there is no more COVID. I started a weekly tradition of Stir Fridays here and recently added Taco Tuesday to the plan too. We enjoy our time together by preparing and enjoying these meals. I haven’t decided what to cook for Thanksgiving yet; I want to try a turkey breast in the Instant Pot. The only problem is we don’t have freezer space for the turkey breast here, and I don’t know if I can get one at the last minute. If turkey breast doesn’t work out, we can always have salmon or a roast for Thanksgiving.

     Getting back to my health for a minute, I used the Freestyle Libre sensor on my arm to measure my blood glucose. Unfortunately, I kept getting faulty sensors from the pharmacy because the manufacturer wasn’t controlling quality. Anyway, I switched to a traditional meter which is cheaper each month. I am keeping the standard meter until Apple develops something that can be a part of Apple Watch. 

     I think that is all there is, at least that I can remember right now. It feels good writing again, but I will pace myself from now on so I won’t burn out again.

Farewell Instagram

It is time for me to leave Instagram. I don’t need the cancer of Facebook and Instagram anymore. Initially, I thought I could use IG without things turning into FB, but that happened despite my wishes. The family and friends who use IG only do so sparingly, so it isn’t like I will be losing any actual contact with them.

I won’t make any dramatic parting speech, just a quick message explaining that I am leaving, with my email address, if they ever want to get in touch again.

I see this not as an ending but as a new beginning. Much like my decision to stop posting to my blog with nothing but reposts from other sites, this decision frees me from the obligation of another social media site. My distaste for Facebook is well known, and the recent discoveries of their activities make me feel much better about my decision.

I won’t be sitting around hoping that someone finds my IG post witty or entertaining anymore. I will have one less thing to worry me.

I’ll close my IG account Monday night. As of lunchtime Monday, most of the important people have seen my message. It is up to them to respond, or not.