Kindness Journey – Day 117 – Flashbacks

I hate when I have flashbacks to my time in the hospital. It has been two years since then, but on occasions like the anniversary of that event, I still find myself helpless to prevent the terrible flashbacks from recurring.

The other night I had a horrible event. I was in the shower when I was suddenly returning to Xmas 2020. I had just come home after basically four months in the hospital. I was weak, and it took me over a week to have the strength to stand in the shower and wash. Hal would sit in the bathroom if I fell, which was a real danger then. Anyway, during my flashback, I felt like I was so weak that I would fall, and Hal was in another part of the apartment.

I felt all alone and completely helpless, and ready to pass out because, in my mind, I WAS in the shower nearly two years ago. I didn’t want to alarm Hal, so I carefully got out of the shower and gradually realized I was safe. I fought the urge to panic and almost hyperventilated for nearly 15 minutes before I calmed down enough to put some clothes on finally.

I was shaking. The only thing that got me through was the breathing exercises the therapist taught me. In through the nose, out through the mouth, no matter how desperately I wanted to gulp air and try to breathe that way. Two years ago, I would have had the respiratory therapist in the hospital holding me down and calmly telling me how to concentrate and live. Thankfully, I learned that lesson well.

So, yeah, I wouldn’t say I like flashbacks even when I can get through them. I hope that as time goes by, they will be less frequent.

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