Saturday Night

Halloween night is here. Since I’m stuck in the hospital, I can’t say for certain how much things are “out there”, but I hope that everyone is being extra cautious and careful this year if they bother to go out at all.

I definitely have a new bout of pneumonia going on here. One minute I feel almost normal, but moving around even slightly turns me into jello because I can’t breathe sufficiently. I have to be escorted to the toilet, or to sit in the chair here near the window. I have my throw blanket to keep me warm because I get chilly very easily.

If I weren’t in the hospital, I know that Hal and I would be staying home with The Stooges and relaxing as a family. I wish I was there right now. Hal texted me to let me know that he’s watching Svengoolie, our Saturday night tradition, and he’s scared by the movie. Hopefully , he’ll record it so we can watch it together in the future.

When I get home (date still TBD) I will limit my trips out even more than before. I’ve already signed up for groceries to be delivered, or at least picked up outside the store if Hal still needs to make a separate purchase. I just want to limit my exposure to things as the weather gets colder and the flu starts to add to the pandemic.

It sucks to be already putting restrictions on myself before going home, but it is best to plan these things ahead of time. The pandemic won’t get better anytime soon, Cheeto Mussolini has made sure to completely fuck everything up all over the country. I’m not sure when “normal” will ever return.

I am thankful that my COVID tests were negative. Pneumonia is bad enough, but treatable without experimentation therapy that might or might not work.

One of the worst parts of being cooped up like this is losing track of time and feeling so cut off from everyone else. The loneliness is eased when Hal visits, but every time he has to leave it just keeps tears at my heart even more than the time before.

As if to emphasize how I feel, tonight is the longest night of the year due to the clocks rolling back an hour. Such is my life right now.

Scary time

Halloween is upon us once again. Every fourth year like this one, I suspect that the Founding Fathers must have had a keen and weird sense of humor to subject us to the horror show we call “elections” so close to Halloween.

2020 has been a horror movie already. The last thing I want to deal with is constant advertising Ana so-called “news coverage” about the two total losers we have to choose from. The real horror is th money that cannot be found for healthcare and education and infrastructure can be overflowing to the assholes who are running for office.

Hospital again

I had to return to the hospital yesterday. I suffered another breathing problem in that I couldn’t overcome. I spent 20+ hours in ER because there were no rooms available at the time.

When a room did appear I was sent there, but when I coughed up some blood, I was quickly rushed into IVU where I’ll be spending Friday night. I might be in ICU for the weekend, no one seems to be making that decision yet.

To quote another blogger “It sucks getting old.” I know exactly how they feel. I hate to think that the rest of my life will be limited, but there’s nothing I can do about it, so worrying does me no good.

I’ll be here with plenty of time on my Hans this weekend. Time to ponder mortality and getting older.

Safe at Home

This is the time of year when Hal and I normally start to curtail our adventures and start preparing for winter at home, without as many trips out. At least, that is what happens in a normal year.

Obviously, 2020 has NOT been a normal year. Our semi-hibernation was interrupted only by a move to a new apartment that was arranged before COVID was even a thing we had heard of. For a short period, we weren’t sure we would be able to move due to the lockdown here in Virginia. The restrictions were eased before our move date arrived, so we did get to our new home safely.

Even without the strict lockdown rules in effect, we became hermits and recluses. With very few exceptions, we’ve limited our travels to the grocery store. When we needed anything else, we would arrange for curbside pickp, anything to avoid going into an enclosed crowded space.

So far, our plan has worked. Even though I’ve been hospitalized twice during August and September, the COVID-19 tests were always negative. I realize how lucky both Hal and I have been.

Now The time of year when we normally reduce our outside activities will seem just like every other day. Sadly, we both feel that this scenario will be with us for at least another year. Personally, I’m not sure when I’ll feel comfortable being without a mask. It will however, be a long time from now.

Update on Broken and Toxic Relationships

The blog prompt for today asks about negative or broken relationships in my life and what had changed since I last wrote about them. The last post from January 30, 2020 is located at:

That post involves the toxic relationship that existed between myself and my extended family since I am an only child and Mom and Dad are both dead. I won’t bore anyone with the details, they are listed in the link above.

The good news is that I moved on from all of the relatives. I accepted that I was never going to be a part of their brood, and that suits me just fine. There is no polite interaction and no bickering, there is just silence. The relationship that tried to exist is severed, and it won’t be repaired again, or even attempted to repair.

Letting that bad situation slide into my past was a key in my self-worth going forward. Effort to work and interact with those who don’t care about you is just wasted effort. I recognized that I cared less with each passing year and that it was inevitable that I would just cut things off altogether. I’m glad that I did.

I am not a better person than they are. I wasn’t terribly hurt by their behavior because it was a constant things throughout my life. I saw that it was holding me back in some ways, and that bothered me. It is impossible to share part of your life with someone who doesn’t give a shit about you, so why try??

Small Naps

I am learning a way to cope with my insomnia. I brake naps when I get tired, rather than force myself to stay awake in the hopes that sheer exhaustion will make me sleep. That approach has failed miserably.

So here I sit at nearly 0209, awake after a long nap. No longer will I lament what is happening to me, because I cannot control it. This time will be used to start, and perhaps complete, a blog post. It feels better when I turn this middle of the night awake time into something positive.

I already know that the future of this night can go either one of two ways. I will get more sleep, or I won’t. I’m tired of trying to make that decision for my body because it never succeeds.

Scary Movies

I suppose that Serendipity must have provided me with the topic for today’s blog post. Scary Movies seems like a natural fit because of Halloween, as well as our endless election, which is also scary but not a movie.

The topic prompt asked me how s Ary movies make me feel? Well, honestly they almost never frighten me. I remember one instance in particular that involved a movie that everyone said was so scary.
The year was 1999 and I was on a Navy deployment overseas. Back in the day, ships had no available wifi or internet. We only got glimpses of what was happening back home from old magazines that arrived through the mail, or from infrequent phone calls home when we were in port somewhere.

The big news that summer was “The Blair Witch Project”, a movie that was released after we left the US. There were articles written about how truly terrifying it was in the magazines we received. It was hard to get any idea what we were missing, so it had to wait until I got back home.

Once again, back in the day, we had Blockbuster Video. I rented the Blair Witch Project and wasn’t sure what to expect. I found the movie ridiculous. Getting lost in the woods is understandable, but not knowing how to find your way out was unbelievable. I cannot remember how many times during that movie that the characters were near a stream or a brook. FOLLOW TRHE WATER, MORONS! Water will lead you to more water perhaps a lake or a river and there will be ROADS and PEOPLE there, you idiots.

I was impressed by someone actually making a movie with a camcorder, but that was it for me. I wasn't scared at all. Just another in the long line of scary movies that just didn't scare me in the least. I hate to be a Halloween buzzkill, but I can't pretend that there is something there when there isn't. Perhaps no movie has ever set the right mood to scare me? I have watched movies all my life and while there are some supposedly scary movies that I find interesting, there are others that just leave me cold. Any teen slasher movie pales in comparison to the original Halloween, that is the movie that brought me the closest to fear and being afraid.

What are some scary movies that really frightened you? 

There is no god

I found my journal prompts book and decided it was time to use it again.

I became an Atheist as an adult after years of struggling to reconcile what I had been taught to believe as a child with the ever-changing world around me. There seems to be less love from religious people each and every single day.

Even as a Gay man I can’t use my own sexuality as an excuse for not believing in god. I’m fine with people disapproving of who I am, but that’s the limit to the influence they can have on my life.

You can’t read a newspaper or turn on the tv without more proof of how the message of religion has been turned into a tool of hatred. Traditional messages of religion have been bastardized into political talking points and ideological litmus tests to use as a means to oppress those who don’t agree with the cult.

I grew up in the 1970s. I remember religion and god as something that accompanied us through our lives as a guide, not as a cult. In the 1980s, I noticed a sinister phrase creeping into the vocabulary of believers. “Give yourself to Jesus” became a catchphrase that alarmed me. If I was created in god’s image and he was perfect, didn’t that also make me perfect?? Of course not, so there was one bug inconsistency with that approach.

If I was given free will as a gift from god, why should I refuse that gift so a person/s could take control of my life. Again this sounded like a cult to me.

I realized that the whole thing was nothing more than a way to take control of someone’s life.

I outgrew a need for belief that some mystical force was watching out for my every single move. I realized that the whole time this was just a means of reinforcing what I was taught and believes anyway.

Not better people as a result

I’ve seen too many people turn bitter and psychotic as the result of “being saved” by god. They almost always tear their lives apart to meet the demands of their new cult. Friends vanish and I am seen as nothing more than a potential new recruit in their eyes.

This is why I don’t believe in god.

Friday Night Lows

Last night was one of the worst BG nights I’ve had in a very long time. It seemed like every hour I was waking up with the awful feeling that my sugar was out of whack.

Every time I was correct. The glucose meter doesn’t lie. Then, I would spend up to 30 minutes attempting to get the sugar back to normal. And the cycle would repeat again in less than 2 hours.

Throughout each ordeal, my guardian was there with me. Hal The Cat wouldn’t leave my side and was loving me by rubbing against me as I struggled to recover. He has always been a talkative cat, and last night he kept talking to me, knowing I would respond and that would help me to recover more quickly by making me worry about things less.

Is there a person or pet that feels a need like this in your life??

Blogging vs Journaling

My Journal

Blogging and Journaling are two of my favorite things to occupy my time, and while they are similar in many ways, they are also vastly different.

My blog is directed outwards. It contains thoughts, experiences, and ideas that I want to share with the world. Not everything is sensible or serious, but life is like that. We all need to share with each other from time to time, or we’ll all go crazy.

I treasure the online friends who read and enjoy my blog. Interacting with them is a joy. It reinforces the desire to keep blogging and expands the areas I’m willing to share with others.

Journaling is directed inwards. My journal is, and will remain, intensely private. My journal is where I expound on my inner thoughts, hopes, dreams, and fears. I maintain my journal to keep a record of my growth as a person. I often start with stating a fear or obstacle that I want to overcome. I can be honest with myself when I write in my journal. Then, I plan out a way to deal with that obstacle, and finally, I write down what happens as I proceed along my planned path.

I never share my journal with anyone. It is my own private sanctuary from the outside world, and I prefer it that way.