August ends with me laying here in  a hospital bed facing days worth of tests to determine why I’m suffering from oxygen deprivation. I’ve been short of breath for a few days and knew that something had to be done to correct the problem. 

     I woke up Monday morning after another night of mediocre sleep and immediately called work and let them know that I was not showing up today. I spoke with Hal and then I visited the local emergency clinic. Nothing was determined there except that my lungs were clear, my EKG was normal, but I was definitely  referred me to the emergency suffering from oxygen deprivation. The clinic referred me to the emergency room at the local hospital. 

     I drove to the hospital and checked myself in after another round of tests revealed exactly the same symptoms as the clinic had. The ER nurse and Doctor told me that I woul probably be in the hospital for at least Tuesday and Wednesday as well. 

I called Hal to give him the news, and then called a coworker to let the company know what was going on. Hal eventually made it to the hospital to visit me via Uber since he can’t drive any longer due to his vision.

At least the hospital food has improved remarkably. I really enjoyed my dinner of Chicken Teriyaki Stir Fry, with a small salad and a bowl of tomato soup.

     Now I’m struggling to sleep in a strange place surrounded by noises and distractions. I’m giving in to the temptation and ordered a pain pill to help me relax since it’s after 2300 and I really want some sleep. 

     For those of you who might wonder, I have no family to inform regarding my condition. Those relatives I do know are hundreds of miles and millions of years of evolution apart from me. Hal and The Stooges are my family, they are all that I need and care about. I know that they will never let me down. 

And so, August ends with me laying here, typing on my iPhone to keep my sanity awake and alive for the rest of the night. Tomorrow will be September, and perhaps the secrets about why I’m here will start to be revealed.

Some Days

Some days are better than others. This concept has been real for me over the last several weeks. Unfortunately, most of them have fallen into the “not so good” category. The job I have loved for so many years has been changing, and my passion is officially gone. Now I just want to put in my hours and leave. 

Things that I had control over have somehow become someone else’s responsibilities. However, I am still doing the same, if not more, work than before. Presentations morphed from information sessions into formal productions, complete  with outlandish choreography, bells, and whistles, which to me, are meaningless.

I have run right up to the edge of being officially let go over the changes. I am tired of caring, and therefore I no longer have any passion for putting into the product anymore. My boss knows how I feel, and we have at least agreed to disagree for the time being. I don’t see things getting any better. The die is cast.

    And so, I just make my way through the days now. I hope for quiet instead of chaos, consent rather than conflict. I will count each day without conflict as a victory because fighting for what I believed proved to be a disaster. For the first time, I find myself thinking seriously about retirement.

At least I still have my writing to keep me sane and interested in each day that comes along. I can focus on Hal and the Stooges more, and leave the job behind me each afternoon and get back to life itself.

Making a Change

I recently made a list of priorities for my life, and ranked those things bars on my ability to influence and control them. First thing on my final list was to get more sleep.

As this weekend approached, I resolved to put my change into action. Starting on Friday night, I made sure that there was nothing pressing that had to be done on Saturday morning. Although I failed to get to bed as early as I’d planned, I still slept for 10 hours.

Saturday evening went a bit better, and once again I managed 10 hours of sleep. Sunday night will be the first real test. I have an alarm for 0600 during the week, so I want to be in bed no later than 2100 the night before. If I can make this change permanent, I know that I’ll feel better each following day.

No Joy Anymore

I’m in a dark place right now. The job has deteriorated to the point of no return, there’s simply no way my passion or motivation will ever return. I’ve been reduced to simply being a cog in the machine.

I fought as hard as I could, but at my age, resigning and looking for another job is not a tempting prospect. My goal is to become what I’d always tried to avoid, and that’s someone who just goes through the motions while just waiting to retire.