The Most Negative Relationship In My Life

     The most negative relationship in my entire life involves my extended family. We are not close at all on my Mom’s side because of the issues started by one of my aunts. The bitch is dead, but the damage can never be undone.

Let’s start at the very beginning. My Mom was the youngest of 13 children. Mom was born in 1925 and her parents were killed in an automobile accident when she was only about 1 year old. Mom was placed in an orphanage, which I found strange because there were older siblings that were already married and adults who could have taken her in. For whatever reason that never happened.

Mom was eventually adopted by a great family and raised in a small town hundreds of miles from her birthplace but in the same state. Mom grew up knowing that she was adopted because her foster parents told her when she was in her early teens. Mom graduated high school and met my Dad and they married. Fast forward through some years in which Mom tried to locate her siblings and some of them were trying to locate her without success.

Dad’s job led him to the town where I would be born. As luck would have it, one of Mom’s sisters lived in that town. They established contact with each other and found, to no one’s surprise, that they had almost nothing in common. Mom had been raised by a forward-thinking family to be independent and to think for herself. Mom viewed marriage to Dad as a partnership and he agreed with her. The aunt, Gladys, never even learned to drive a car. I was the only child that Mom and Dad would have because Mom was simply not built to birth babies due to her short size. Gladys had several children well before I was born because there was a generation gap between the two sisters in the first place.

I observed Mom when I was a small child as she tried to build some semblance of a sister-to-sister relationship with Gladys. Gladys always looked down on Mom as if Gladys were better or more superior. This irritated Mom, but she carried on with trying to change how things were between them. Dad often told her that she was wasting her time, but Mom was stubborn in her own right and didn’t give up easily.

After I was born the enmity between Dad and Gladys burst out into the open. They could not stand one another and I was solidly behind my Dad in the struggle. I never understood the origins of the feud, but at some point, it no longer mattered.

The last straw for me was when I was 7 years old and Gladys made one of her bitchy comments in front of me and my parents. “Perhaps if your Mom and Dad ever amount to anything, you’ll live in a nice house like mine.” That was the quote that sealed Gladys into the place of undying hatred from me.

I was able to maintain a good relationship with one of Gladys’ daughters, my first cousin, but her children, my second cousins were under the influence of Gladys as they grew up. Therefore I was never close with my second cousins although we were roughly the same age. Gladys and her bitchiness kept me from ever having a good relationship with the extended family on Mom’s side. It was what it was, and it is what it is. No apologies from the second cousins will ever undo the hurt and the mistrust that I felt growing up. We will never be close and it is all because Gladys was a bitch that shone brighter than all the other bitches of her time. She didn’t even bother to attend either Dad’s or Mom’s funerals. She avoided the events because she knew that I would trash her mean ass in front of everyone, and I am glad that she didn’t soil either funeral with her presence.

Gladys died 10 years after Mom. I didn’t attend her funeral. Her bitchy spirit lives on in the town where I grew up, another reason to see the rest of the world rather than ever go back there.

The WordPress Purge

     I am in the middle of my annual WordPress purge here. This is the time of the year when I go through all of the followers that I have and those who follow me and see which accounts are still active. Sometimes I am surprised at the results, but I learned to keep sentiment out of this a long time ago when the list of followers and those I followed just got too unwieldy. I prefer to keep a streamlined list of people who I know are active, and particularly those who interact with me. Occasionally I will delete someone who likes to comment on my blog but seldom writes anything themselves. I try to keep those people from being purged, but mistakes do happen.

I wonder why I am explaining this to those who will read it because after all, you survived the WordPress purge.


     When I get woken up by Hal and Jax in the middle of the night, there’s always a good reason for it. Tonight, or rather this morning, it was another episode of hypoglycemia with my blood glucose levels down to around 45. 

     I wrote about times like this just the other day

The feeling is exactly the same, and these episodes tend to happen in clusters over a few days and then subside. After carefully taking glucose tablets over a period of 20 minutes and measuring my blood glucose levels every 5 minutes, the levels have returned to normal and should stay there for the rest of the night. 

     During all of this, Hal and Jax have been by my side. I know that if something were to go wrong that one or both of them would immediately alert Hal (person) about the situation. These two brothers are my little guardian angels at times like this. 

     Now that I feel better I will go back over the last 12 hours or so and try to determine what caused my blood glucose level to plummet. That includes reviewing my doses of medicine and making any necessary adjustments. Obviously, the dosage that I take before bedtime is extremely important because that determines what my night will be like. For whatever reason, the dosage last night was too high and didn’t correctly account for how my body would process that condition while I was sleeping. 

     At least today is Thursday, technically, and when I finish work today I’m going to try and catch up on some sleep. If I can manage that without screwing up my blood glucose levels I’ll be happy. Thankfully I am not totally exhausted right now at 0400, and I know that I can make it through 12 hours to finish work on time this afternoon. 

     I’m grateful that things aren’t any worse here, but I’m even more thankful for Hal and Jax, the brothers who are watching out for me. 

My Biggest Fear

My biggest fear is never getting out of debt. Our society is made to put people into debt and then struggle to get free from that debt. The system is rigged in order to make sure that everyone feels like they have a stake in maintaining the system because we are all “invested” in it, whether voluntarily or not.

Slavery has long been outlawed, but only that slavery which showed physical chains. What we have now is purely economic slavery where people are put into the system like meat into a grinder and then we all end up as the minced meat that comes out of the grinder. The rich love the system because it creates a mentality that each of us tries to escape from that grinder rather than acting collectively to destroy that grinder.

To fight debt as best I can, I always take a portion of my paycheck and apply it to my debt, above and beyond the minimum payment and hope against hope that the balances will go down over time.

Time To Go

     Hal (person) and I got some surprising, but not totally unexpected, news late yesterday. As we were leaving to go to the grocery store we found an envelope from the apartment complex. It is that time of the year when we get our letter outlining the new lease prices and our intention to stay/go letter to be delivered to the apartment office.

We were shocked when we saw that they expect us to pay more than $220 more to stay in the same apartment under a new lease. Personally, both Hal and I were expecting an increase in the rent, but nothing like a $220 increase! We have been looking at other apartments for months now, expecting bad news, but nothing like this.

Our minds were made up to move even before we got the notice yesterday, but that basically ended any chance that this apartment complex had to keep us as residents. We have just under a month to let the apartment office know our intentions and by that time we will already have a new place all ready to go to. With luck, we will have everything arranged for the new apartment sometime next month before we even submit the intent to vacate letter.

I don’t know how much higher rents can go in this area. Our next place will be much further away from DC, close to 60 miles, in order to have rent that is reasonable. 

A Place I Would Volunteer To Work

If I had enough spare time, I would love to work for a local animal shelter. I have such a soft spot for animals, especially those who have been abused or neglected by people. The saddest thing is to see an animal so terrified of a human because of some trauma that was inflicted upon it in the past. People who knowingly hurt animals are just evil and I have zero sympathies for them.

When I see Stevie Nicks, Hal The Cat or Jax The Cat curled up and resting without a care in the world I know that this is how any animal should be treated if someone takes the time to make them a part of their life. An animal that is a pet depends on people for its survival through kindness and love. A pet should never suffer abuse, and if that does happen those pets should be taken to another place where they will be treated with the love and respect and kindness that they deserve.

Working with animals is something that I have done throughout my life. Animals deserve kindness and love and respect. If you cannot give it, you should not work with animals.

Glucose Roller Coaster

Awake again in the middle of the night. A never ending story that is a big part of my life. I woke up about an hour ago with the feeling one gets when taking that initial steep plunge on a roller coaster. An out of control feeling that, since there is no roller coaster present, can only mean that my blood glucose levels were plummeting.

     After many years I have learned to recognize my symptoms and to react quickly and decisively when something like this happens to me. Hal The Cat and Jax The Cat basically woke me up as this episode began. I believe that animals can sense when something is physically wrong and alert us to what is going on. 

     Thankfully I was able to take some glucose tablets over a period of time to slowly build my blood sugar back to a normal level. The last thing I need right now is to go from hypoglycemia to hyperglycemia because that makes me feel worse than before. I know I caught things before they got too bad because I didn’t start sweating. If that happens I know that things are much more serious, and that I have to worry less about bringing my glucose levels up too quickly and just get that level up as quickly as possible. 

     I don’t know if I’ll get any more sleep tonight, but at least Hal and Jax saved me. They are still curled up against means purring away. I will try to go back to sleep and see how I feel when m alarm goes off in a few hours. I might decide to call in sick if I don’t feel up to the tasks that are waiting for me at work. 

My Calling

     The journaling journey topic for today is to identify my calling or my life purpose. I feel that my calling has changed over the years. I used to feel that it was my calling to teach, and that does seem to bubble to the surface from time to time. Right now I feel like my life has been geared more towards actually create the materials that would be used to teach others.

Because I work with information that is used to train others it is important that everything is written in such a way that the student can work independently without an instructor present. The challenge of writing without directly communicating with the audience at the same time makes for a real challenge, but one that I enjoy.

I know that this must be what I am destined to do for right now because I am extremely happy with my situation, and I look forward to work each day.

My Beliefs

My journaling journey continues with the next in a series of probing questions. “What do my current beliefs mean to me? And do I practice any form of religion?”

My personal beliefs are extremely important to me. As with anyone else, those beliefs help to define me as a person and guide me through everyday life. 

I got my beliefs from my parents just like almost everyone else. I was taught to follow my heart and my instincts rather than a set of rules and dogmatic instructions. This made me different from my friends growing up, and I am proud of it.

As far as religion, I tried it. My parents encouraged me to see what it was all about and I was not pressured to accept or reject it. I was taught to trust what I had been taught by them, to follow my heart and to judge what religion delivered against what religion promised. After a few years, I came to the conclusion that religion was nothing more than a MINDFUCK designed to stifle creative thinking and individuality. Religion is a con game run by charlatans only interested in making a quick buck. Religion is nothing more than a tool to control the masses, as Marx indicated, by promising people that suffering is noble while the rich get richer by exploiting the poor.

Religion is an excuse to allow the problems of the world to continue without being properly addressed because “It is God’s will”. This is a lame excuse to allow wars, famines, injustices, and other cruelties to go unpunished. Religion is designed to make people feel like they have done something when in reality they have done nothing at all.

Religion has no place in my beliefs these days. I have moved past it. 


     Just over an hour ago, a quiet Sunday afternoon was shattered by the news that Kobe Bryant had died in a helicopter crash in Southern California. Adding to that was the even more heartbreaking news that Kobe’s oldest daughter was also killed in the crash. 

     I am not a big NBA fan, I want to put that statement out there first. The real tragedy is that a 41 year old man, in the prime of his life and his young daughter are no longer with us. Both are gone far too soon, and no explanation will ever give true understanding about what happened. 

     Life is fragile. That makes it so important to enjoy and live life to the fullest. It can be gone in an instant without warning.      I hope that Kobe’s widow and children can find love and support as they go to this terrible day, and the days to change me. I hope that everyone will respect their privacy and not make them a part of whatever macabre spectacle the media comes up with. 

    Tell those you love how special they are and how much they matter to you, because you never know when Mortality will show up.