To everyone who still finds joy at this time of the year, I envy you.
Every year the holiday season seems to get worse and worse for me personally. The magic of the season wore off many years ago, and I am left to slog through each late December now with no emotion left in me. It seems that every effort to rekindle the magic fails in spectacular fashion. Hence the motivation to keep trying is also gone.
I longed for the time of innocence when I believed in miracles and magic. As I grew up and reality kept smacking me in the face to keep me moving through the rest of the year, I became something different. Initially, the holidays were a time to at least enjoy some days off from work if nothing else. As friends drifted apart and family just drifted away, the illusions of the holiday were stripped away. I am left with just the fact that this is only another period of the year. A time in which the hypocrisy of things is more glaring, but not that different from any other time os the year.
I lose my temper more quickly this time of the year when I see how other people also struggle with their own issues. I drink more around the holidays just to help ignore other people. I know that they only “care” because their conscience tells them to for these two weeks. After that, things go back to normal, and the interaction dies.
I miss the magic, I miss the belief in things if only for a little while that used to take my mind off things, but I cannot go back. There isn’t any nobility in suffering, there is only suffering. The mood only serves to amplify the smallest thing that goes wrong and turn it into some tragedy of cosmic proportions.
The magic is gone. There is only the reality of seeing the world for what it indeed is, backlit against the hypocrisy of the holiday season. I will endure this time and for the rest of the holiday seasons to come. The illusion and the magic are gone.