Dreamer’s World November 23, 2018 – Not Thankful For Being Caught In The Middle

Thanksgiving is over with. I was both busy and upset this week. People say that the holiday season is very stressful, and that was certainly true for me this week.

It began innocently enough, Hal (person) traveled out of town on Monday to visit family. He was gone until Wednesday evening. I missed him terribly, but he has to be with his family and I respect him for that. I was here, being quiet and attempting to stay productive at work. This led to the second issue of the week.

I have acquired several additional responsibilities this year at work. Each one has involved training to acclimate me with the new tasking. In one particular instance, the training proved to be insufficient. There were some items that were left out, or perhaps not stressed sufficiently, and this week that came back to haunt me. A very important item was missed and there is only me to blame when it comes down to the bottom line. Whether or not this item was covered in the training doesn’t change the fact that something went wrong, or that my name was now attached to that error.

I got my ass handed to me by several people over the course of the week. There is nothing that can ruin a holiday like getting bitched at over and over. I tried explaining what must have happened, but of course, that didn’t change what did happen. To top things off, last week was also the personal and professional evaluation review. Obviously, my performance took a nosedive. I was not happy about that, but no amount of talking would change it.

The part of this whole thing that I started to notice was that people I work closely with were behaving in ways that they never had before. I would talk with them and hear one thing, but when I spoke to the other person about the same thing, they had been informed by the first person I spoke with that something completely different had happened. In effect, I was made out to be a liar even if that was not the intent.

I can understand people wanting to protect their own position and getting the best evaluation that they could for themselves, but I was, and still am, extremely pissed that my error and misfortune was serving as a launching pad to inflate other peoples’ evaluations. By the time my own evaluation meeting was held, I was beyond furious. I told my supervisor, one of those who had behaved in the manner listed above, that I would sign what I considered a sub-par performance evaluation because I had exhausted every opportunity to resolve this issue and I was tired of fighting over it.

I have worked for this company for nearly 13 years, and this is the first time that anything like this has happened to me. I realize that this is probably rare for the length of time I have worked for the company, but it honestly hurt my pride, both personally and professionally.

Now I face the prospect of 2019 being a year that I must spend rebuilding my reputation because we all know that just one “oh shit” moment will wipe out a lifetime of “atta boy” compliments. Right now, I don’t feel as thankful for the job that I have loved for so many years, the one that I have given so much for over those years. Time will be spent watching my back from now on. I have no real choice but to let this wash over me and work to recover my reputation while swallowing my pride in the process.

Something fundamental changed this week. There is no more trust, not like there was. I cannot place my career in those hands again as I did before. I saw personal ambitions outweigh any working relationships that existed when there was an opportunity to get ahead at my expense. I detest this behavior and always try to avoid advancing my career at the expense of someone else deliberately. This is one of those painful lessons that I mention so often when I write. This one has been learned very well, and it will not be forgotten.

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