I am done with my project for work, at least for this week. Initially, I thought that it would be something that I would find enjoyment in, since it involves a lot of writing. To my disappointment the task is heavy on structured format and short on real personal input. I have come to dread the time that I set aside each day at work to dive into this project, and that dread has had an affect on my personal writing as well. There have been days when the last thing I wanted to do was to write in this blog. That has been a terrible feeling for me, words cannot adequately describe it. Only someone who loves to write will understand what I am trying to say without my having to try anymore to elaborate.
When I began this blog several years ago, I told myself that I never considered myself a professional writer. I love to tell about how things are going in my life. I love to write about Hal and The Stooges because they mean so much to me. I will post articles that I find interesting on this site in the hope that others will find them interesting as well. I never thought of myself as a professional writer in any way at all.
Perhaps it was my own vanity that made me take on the assignment that I have come to dread. Perhaps I thought that through daily edits and endless quality-control meetings that somehow I would emerge as a better writer, but I don't feel that has happened. I am not disappointed by this lack of enthusiasm about the task, it is what it is. What really struck at the core of my being was how it affected my personal writing. That pain will take time to fade away.
I cherish the responses that I get to this blog. It means the world to me when someone finds some enjoyment out of what I have written down, sometimes far too hastily. People who love to write are fundamentally different that writers who do this for a living. I admire them and wonder how they manage to not go insane at times. The pressure of writing on a deadline isn’t something that I enjoyed.
I know that I still have learned something valuable from this experience. I know that I now have the knowledge to write on the technically professional level, I just don't enjoy it. Deadlines are simply evil to me, especially when they reach into something I love as much as writing.
I retreat into the more freeform style of Google Docs as often as I can to escape the tyranny of Word. I find myself more at ease without the software trying to do everything possible to stifle my expression.
Am I crazy? Or are there others out there who read this and feel the same way?